One thing I've discovered over the years, is that people never have enough space. And I'm not talking about space to store their stuff, but space in which to set themselves apart from the busyness of the world.....to stop their bodies from being in constant motion. I think most of us feel as if our "on" button has been stuck in the on position for years, and need to give ourselves permission to switch it to the off position. Doesn't mean you have to ignore others, quit your job, leave your spouse or change you name, though some of those options may be needed at some point and time......but it does have more to do with being aware of your need to step away to regroup, whether you need to gain strength and energy back, or you need to ponder some issues that need to be resolved.
Now of course the ultimate place in which to do this would be a cabin in the middle of the woods, or a seaside retreat with no one around, but what happens when those places are not an option, or you're even in a space that is shared with someone else and need desperately to get quiet and still? Well, there are other options if those places are not available. If you're able to leave your home, sometimes it's helpful to just go for a drive, sit in the park, or find a comfortable place in the library to sit and just be still and quiet. The ultimate of course is a couple of days away from the rest of the world, but much can be gained from 20 minutes of time set apart from your own particular busyness.
Sometimes you have to do whatever is needed in order to at least feel you have your own space in which to dwell, whether those around you understand or not. That shouldn't be an issue. The more you start to take care of yourself, the more those around you will appreciate and respect why you are choosing to make adjustments in your life. After all, taking time for yourself has sort of a ripple effect, in that it refreshes, rejuvinates and retores, so that you are better able to cope with the demands in your life, which include those around you.
People and responsibilites take an enormous amount of energy, which wear us down, most often unintentionally, but it doesn't have to steal our ability to enjoy our life or have peace. It does however mean that a certain degree of self care is needed in order to protect that peace, because God didn't mean for life to be perfect, but He also didn't mean for us to run ourselves ragged, with no time to nurture selves as well as others. Bottom line, if we don't nurture and care for ourselves.....we really have nothing to give to those we love and care about.
So I encourage anyone to search for that space that you know you need in your life. Whether elaborate, or a cubby in your bedroom with a chair and lamp, or the front seat of your car parked by the lake.........just a space where you can slow down the pace, and allow yourself to just be. No television, no radio, no book, no people, no phone......just you and a few minutes of still and quiet. You will soon be raving about "Your Space".
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Can I Say No?
Through my own experience,"no" has been one of the most difficult words in the english language to use.......and I have to ask myself "why"? You would think such a small word wouldn't have much meaning, but for me it's one of the most important words there is, most often contrary to what most people believe. Yes seems a much more pleasant word......it even rolls off the tongue easier than no. Try it and you'll see how your mouth draws up in almost a smile, while the no points downward with lips pursed. Feels mean when you say it outloud.
I think a lot has to do with when you use the word no. After all, said to a child, it could save their life, but to someone getting ready to propose and hoping for a yes, but instead gets a no.......its not so good. So in other words, there is a time and place for nos no matter the reason. This particular "no" that I'm referring to has to do with taking care of self. You would think if someone wanted to discuss ways in which to take better care of self, the only word to use would be yes. After all....doesn't yes open the doors to possibilities, doesn't yes mean you are open to the world and all it has to offer? Isn't it a more positive word instead of negative?
Yes to all of those questions, but again.....I want to focus on how the word "no" will save those of us who are sick, precious time and energy and ultimately bring peace and joy to a world that is most often overwhelmed with pain and suffering. We are all used to participating in life which requires a certain amount of activity, and whether you've always been limited and unable to move about freely, or whether you had a "normal" life and then had it interrupted by an illness, it takes an enormous amount of courage to be ok with just sitting and watching the world go by. I don't think that any of us enjoy a sedentary lifestyle....for God made our bodies to move about in order to work properly. But, when you have no other choice, and in order to savor those precious moments that you might be able to function properly, there has to be a point where you decide the things in life that are worth your energy and strength, and the things that are not.
Yes....now we get down to the positive meaning of "no". The no that implies self love and self care. The "no" that protects that most precious part of who you are and your place in this life. The "no" that draws a line in the sand to whomever and whatever threatens your ability to experience the priorities that you've set up in your life. This "no" you have full ownership of and can use it whenever you feel it appropriate or life saving. Just think..... a valid license that allows you to say "no" whenever you have the notion or need, and it can be said to anyone at anytime.
Now unfortunately, I haven't figured out a way to incorporate this into a legitimate working system for society as a whole.......nor even designed a carrying card or name tag that would give you permission at anytime......but I can surely help you understand how important it is and how it can change your life......or more importantly save your life. Just take into consideration that this is not about giving yourself permission to be angry, belligerent or abusive to others, or to always get your way in life. It's all about taking care of self and conserving energy so you can enjoy those precious moments that are left in your life to enjoy.
A "no" can be expressed in many ways, and even as well intended as it might be or seem to you, might not be well received by the person you're saying no to. As I said before, the word "no" can conjure up conflicting emotions, so just know, going in, that sometimes it takes guts to say the word. Anyone, sick or well, doesn't like to say no to life and all it has to offer, but again, when you, for whatever reason, have had your ability to physically or emotionally navigate around this world compromised, you have to eventually find acceptance and then decide for yourself those things you need to keep, or are worth your energy, and those things you need to let go of, or say no to. I know......all hard stuff to contemplate or incorporate into your life, but I know for a fact that it will make a huge difference in finding much needed peace and joy in your life.
In reading this, you have probably already been able to see where you need to draw lines in your daily life. You can already see where you spend precious energy and strength that you'd rather use in other ways or know in your heart that you need to use in other ways. This all requires not only a recognition of how time and energy is spent, but most often a time of grieving for things that you used to be able to do, but sadly have to give up. This will involve a time of adjustment for not only you, but for those around you that you have to say no to, and also a source of concern learning to say no in order to take care of self could mean stepping away from people that don't understand the changes you're trying to make in your life to make it more managable.
Just keep in mind, people as a whole don't like change because it requires something of us. It requires us to stop and truly look at our lives and how we want to spend our time here. And if you are suffering physically or emotionally, time is of the essence and is considered a precious commodity. We start to realize that for whatever reason we are limited.....and with those limitations comes limitations of our time. Hopefully after a while, and maybe a heartfelt discussion with your loved ones about what you need to say no to, you can begin to enjoy what energy and strength you have left. This will empower you, make you feel like you have more control over your own life, and allow you to experience a new level of acceptance, peace and joy in your life.
Remember....this is your life, and the sooner you realize only you can make the changes needed in order to cope with its struggles, frustrations, and disappointments, the sooner you can experience the positive side of a "no".
I think a lot has to do with when you use the word no. After all, said to a child, it could save their life, but to someone getting ready to propose and hoping for a yes, but instead gets a no.......its not so good. So in other words, there is a time and place for nos no matter the reason. This particular "no" that I'm referring to has to do with taking care of self. You would think if someone wanted to discuss ways in which to take better care of self, the only word to use would be yes. After all....doesn't yes open the doors to possibilities, doesn't yes mean you are open to the world and all it has to offer? Isn't it a more positive word instead of negative?
Yes to all of those questions, but again.....I want to focus on how the word "no" will save those of us who are sick, precious time and energy and ultimately bring peace and joy to a world that is most often overwhelmed with pain and suffering. We are all used to participating in life which requires a certain amount of activity, and whether you've always been limited and unable to move about freely, or whether you had a "normal" life and then had it interrupted by an illness, it takes an enormous amount of courage to be ok with just sitting and watching the world go by. I don't think that any of us enjoy a sedentary lifestyle....for God made our bodies to move about in order to work properly. But, when you have no other choice, and in order to savor those precious moments that you might be able to function properly, there has to be a point where you decide the things in life that are worth your energy and strength, and the things that are not.
Yes....now we get down to the positive meaning of "no". The no that implies self love and self care. The "no" that protects that most precious part of who you are and your place in this life. The "no" that draws a line in the sand to whomever and whatever threatens your ability to experience the priorities that you've set up in your life. This "no" you have full ownership of and can use it whenever you feel it appropriate or life saving. Just think..... a valid license that allows you to say "no" whenever you have the notion or need, and it can be said to anyone at anytime.
Now unfortunately, I haven't figured out a way to incorporate this into a legitimate working system for society as a whole.......nor even designed a carrying card or name tag that would give you permission at anytime......but I can surely help you understand how important it is and how it can change your life......or more importantly save your life. Just take into consideration that this is not about giving yourself permission to be angry, belligerent or abusive to others, or to always get your way in life. It's all about taking care of self and conserving energy so you can enjoy those precious moments that are left in your life to enjoy.
A "no" can be expressed in many ways, and even as well intended as it might be or seem to you, might not be well received by the person you're saying no to. As I said before, the word "no" can conjure up conflicting emotions, so just know, going in, that sometimes it takes guts to say the word. Anyone, sick or well, doesn't like to say no to life and all it has to offer, but again, when you, for whatever reason, have had your ability to physically or emotionally navigate around this world compromised, you have to eventually find acceptance and then decide for yourself those things you need to keep, or are worth your energy, and those things you need to let go of, or say no to. I know......all hard stuff to contemplate or incorporate into your life, but I know for a fact that it will make a huge difference in finding much needed peace and joy in your life.
In reading this, you have probably already been able to see where you need to draw lines in your daily life. You can already see where you spend precious energy and strength that you'd rather use in other ways or know in your heart that you need to use in other ways. This all requires not only a recognition of how time and energy is spent, but most often a time of grieving for things that you used to be able to do, but sadly have to give up. This will involve a time of adjustment for not only you, but for those around you that you have to say no to, and also a source of concern learning to say no in order to take care of self could mean stepping away from people that don't understand the changes you're trying to make in your life to make it more managable.
Just keep in mind, people as a whole don't like change because it requires something of us. It requires us to stop and truly look at our lives and how we want to spend our time here. And if you are suffering physically or emotionally, time is of the essence and is considered a precious commodity. We start to realize that for whatever reason we are limited.....and with those limitations comes limitations of our time. Hopefully after a while, and maybe a heartfelt discussion with your loved ones about what you need to say no to, you can begin to enjoy what energy and strength you have left. This will empower you, make you feel like you have more control over your own life, and allow you to experience a new level of acceptance, peace and joy in your life.
Remember....this is your life, and the sooner you realize only you can make the changes needed in order to cope with its struggles, frustrations, and disappointments, the sooner you can experience the positive side of a "no".
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Gratitude Gratitude
Ahhhhhh.......gratitude. Seems such a simple word, but has the power to transform a seemingly bad situation into something completely different. How does that work , when all you want to do is focus on whatever is causing you pain, heartache, confusion, frustration...etc? First of all, you don't even have to know the why of anything, because it doesn't change the situation, it only drives you crazy that you can't figure it out. That's one word that I've been trained to not ask people is "why".......because most of the time, the person doesn't know why. It's not like asking someone why they're hungry......that's easy. I'm hungry because I didn't eat lunch. Period. But the first thing that will come out of someone's mouth if you ask them why is....."I don't know."
Now with that being said, if something is causing you pain, it changes who you are. It changes your thought pattern, your ability to cope, your ability to sleep, your ability to be around others, and more importantly, it changes your ability to experience peace and happiness in your life. And whether you are physically ill, emotionally ill, suffering from divorce or the loss of a child, or lost your job, the pain can be unbearable. You feel as if you have been left for dead with no way out, and you're convinced there is no way to focus on anything other than the pain.
However, there are ways in which to deal with life's struggles, whether it's something the doctor may prescribe or deciding to go through counseling. There is nothing wrong with either one of those, but I'm suggesting that along with those, you incorporate something that will help you cope while in the midst of your suffering. Gratitude. No matter how bad your situation, there is always room for gratefulness for where you are and what you have in front of you. People most often forget those things by taking them for granted, but when you do that, you close the door for much needed peace when the bad times come, and as much as I hate to say this......they will come.
Have you ever wondered why we all say Oh My God, when faced with something overwhelming? Even those that really have no religious convictions at all will say it. Maybe it's just a habit, or maybe they do believe that in order to get through the problem, they're going to need something bigger than themselves. Well no matter the conviction, much can be said for a large dose of gratitude..... and granted, I know how hard that is to do, for I've been there myself many times, especially dealing with an illness. You want more than anything to drive down the road and dump your situation out the window going 90. For some reason that implies a sense of being completely and utterly fed up with whatever you're dealing with, and for the most part, it works. However, once you feel that relief, whatever the remedy may have been, take note in being grateful. Grateful for the relief in pain, grateful for a doctor that may have helped you, grateful for a friend that may have been there to listen, and if you can allow yourself......be Grateful to God.
Gratitude is the prescription for pain, heartache, frustration, sadness, and loneliness. It will help melt those things into something more manageable.
Now with that being said, if something is causing you pain, it changes who you are. It changes your thought pattern, your ability to cope, your ability to sleep, your ability to be around others, and more importantly, it changes your ability to experience peace and happiness in your life. And whether you are physically ill, emotionally ill, suffering from divorce or the loss of a child, or lost your job, the pain can be unbearable. You feel as if you have been left for dead with no way out, and you're convinced there is no way to focus on anything other than the pain.
However, there are ways in which to deal with life's struggles, whether it's something the doctor may prescribe or deciding to go through counseling. There is nothing wrong with either one of those, but I'm suggesting that along with those, you incorporate something that will help you cope while in the midst of your suffering. Gratitude. No matter how bad your situation, there is always room for gratefulness for where you are and what you have in front of you. People most often forget those things by taking them for granted, but when you do that, you close the door for much needed peace when the bad times come, and as much as I hate to say this......they will come.
Have you ever wondered why we all say Oh My God, when faced with something overwhelming? Even those that really have no religious convictions at all will say it. Maybe it's just a habit, or maybe they do believe that in order to get through the problem, they're going to need something bigger than themselves. Well no matter the conviction, much can be said for a large dose of gratitude..... and granted, I know how hard that is to do, for I've been there myself many times, especially dealing with an illness. You want more than anything to drive down the road and dump your situation out the window going 90. For some reason that implies a sense of being completely and utterly fed up with whatever you're dealing with, and for the most part, it works. However, once you feel that relief, whatever the remedy may have been, take note in being grateful. Grateful for the relief in pain, grateful for a doctor that may have helped you, grateful for a friend that may have been there to listen, and if you can allow yourself......be Grateful to God.
Gratitude is the prescription for pain, heartache, frustration, sadness, and loneliness. It will help melt those things into something more manageable.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The List
If you've ever spent any time in a therapist's office, or been diagnosed with a chronic illness, you may already be aware of "the list". This list is completely different than a grocery list, where you remind yourself of what to put in your cart. I'm referring to a list where you check things off that you no longer want to push around in your cart. One would seem more productive, and may end up as a delicious meal at the close of the day, but the other involves a conscious decision of what is best for you long term. These things or people in your cart have been there for a long time and either bring you joy and happiness, or bring you grief and frustration. So one would think if there is nothing good about them being in your cart, you would have the good sense to take them out...right?
Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. Someone can suggest that you make a list of things in your life that cause you stress anxiety, and then hopefully suggest a way in which to eliminate them from the list, but sometimes it takes a long time to realize which is good for you and which is not so good....or what you hang onto because of habit or because it enables you to stay stuck where you are. Letting go of unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy people in your life is one of the hardest things to do in this life, but if it's a choice between what's best for you and how best to cope with your illness, and dealing with people and situations that cause stress as opposed to providing a comfortable place to fall when you're suffering physically, then it may be time to see the list as something mandatory instead of optional.
The list is something only you can make yourself, no one can do this for you, as it takes a lot of painstaking work on your part. I suggest much needed quiet and alone time in which to do this, making sure you analyze not only why this particular thing or person is on your list, but why it's so difficult for you to check it off. You might wonder, how hard can it be to come up with a list, check things off and get on with it.....but once you sit down and begin, you'll realize it's not as easy as you thought. Letting go of "stuff" in your life can be painful, sad, and honestly down right scary. After all, most of these things have been there for a long time, good or bad, and could be a challenge to let go of. It's helpful to know or realize right up front that it's going to take much needed patience and kindness to self in order to be successful at this.
Once the list is made, reality sets in and a grieving process may take place because you have begun to be honest with yourself about how much energy it actually takes for you to carry these things around any longer. You realize a choice has to be made, and no one can make it for you. When you actually see your list, and allow yourself the power to check them off, you will experience everything from joy and jubilation, to sadness and heartache. This is ok. You may even decide to put one or two back on the list because it's too painful.....again....this is ok. You may through careful contemplation be able to find a way in which to keep certain items on list list unchecked.......but usually whatever came to you at the first notion, is valid.
Everyone has a list. If you don't think you do, sit down for 10 minutes and think about it and I'm sure you'll change your mind. Being chronically ill takes an enormous amount of energy each day. In fact, it is your job in this life, and once you've been sick for a long time, you'll do whatever it takes to alleviate the effects of whatever your particular illness brings each day, even if it involves letting go of people or things in your life that only take away instead of offering a healing balm.
Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. Someone can suggest that you make a list of things in your life that cause you stress anxiety, and then hopefully suggest a way in which to eliminate them from the list, but sometimes it takes a long time to realize which is good for you and which is not so good....or what you hang onto because of habit or because it enables you to stay stuck where you are. Letting go of unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy people in your life is one of the hardest things to do in this life, but if it's a choice between what's best for you and how best to cope with your illness, and dealing with people and situations that cause stress as opposed to providing a comfortable place to fall when you're suffering physically, then it may be time to see the list as something mandatory instead of optional.
The list is something only you can make yourself, no one can do this for you, as it takes a lot of painstaking work on your part. I suggest much needed quiet and alone time in which to do this, making sure you analyze not only why this particular thing or person is on your list, but why it's so difficult for you to check it off. You might wonder, how hard can it be to come up with a list, check things off and get on with it.....but once you sit down and begin, you'll realize it's not as easy as you thought. Letting go of "stuff" in your life can be painful, sad, and honestly down right scary. After all, most of these things have been there for a long time, good or bad, and could be a challenge to let go of. It's helpful to know or realize right up front that it's going to take much needed patience and kindness to self in order to be successful at this.
Once the list is made, reality sets in and a grieving process may take place because you have begun to be honest with yourself about how much energy it actually takes for you to carry these things around any longer. You realize a choice has to be made, and no one can make it for you. When you actually see your list, and allow yourself the power to check them off, you will experience everything from joy and jubilation, to sadness and heartache. This is ok. You may even decide to put one or two back on the list because it's too painful.....again....this is ok. You may through careful contemplation be able to find a way in which to keep certain items on list list unchecked.......but usually whatever came to you at the first notion, is valid.
Everyone has a list. If you don't think you do, sit down for 10 minutes and think about it and I'm sure you'll change your mind. Being chronically ill takes an enormous amount of energy each day. In fact, it is your job in this life, and once you've been sick for a long time, you'll do whatever it takes to alleviate the effects of whatever your particular illness brings each day, even if it involves letting go of people or things in your life that only take away instead of offering a healing balm.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Embracing the Unknown
I believe the opposite of living in fear, is embracing the unknown, and no matter what anyone says about how unrealistic that may sound, it is still healthier than living in fear. Now actually believing that and practicing that can be two totally different things unfortunately. I wish that I could tell you it only took a few days, weeks, or months to discover it, but in fact it took several years. It's not something that you just wake up one morning and have, or realize.......but something that requires a great understanding of not only what we fear....but why we fear it.
You would think most of the fear would stem from realizing how vulnerable we all are out here in space, slowly turning with one thing that holds us all to the ground.....gravity. I didn't really think about it that much until television pictures started coming back from photo's taken inside a window in the space station years ago. I saw what the atronauts saw.....which was earth, out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing underneath it to keep it from falling. What an eiry feeling that was. I started to think about it so much so, that it actually began to make me wonder, why in the world I would fret and worry about everyday things in my life, or fear them rather, when I'm held to this earth by one thing...gravity. If there were none, I'd be falling out into space. Now thats something to fear. And no matter your beliefs about how we ended up on this earth, there is always room to question......why am I here, and how long do I have?
Silly I suppose to many, for most of us never take a moment to wonder how we got here, how long we'll last, or more importantly, how we're suppose to spend our time while we're here. Good questions for all of us, but not exactly why I chose to write this particular post. I want to talk about fear and how it can be transformed into something much different. Something that doesn't have a tendency to restle us to the ground, stomp our guts out, leaving us in a dazed state.....because in all truth, thats what fear does. You can try your best to hide it, avoid it, or completely deny that it exists in your life, but honestly I believe we all live with it at some level.
There are many forms of fear. Fear of self, fear of others, fear of illness, fear of death, fear of losing someone we love, or my own personal favorite......fear of losing control. Of course aren't we all under the misapprehension that we have any control at all? Absolutely. We do in fact have the ability to make choices in life, but ultimately, we are always a few feet away from the next atomic bomb, natural disaster, illness, or losing those we love. And you can press your feet to the floor thinking you can stop it, but after a while you'll see it only steals your energy, strength and more importantly....your peace of mind.
With all this said, what does it take to transform our fear into something we can actually live with, accept, or........embrace, leaving behind the need to question why and begin to understand, why not? For all any of us seem to think is, that if there is an answer to our why, then that will make everything right. I'm sorry to say..... this is not the case......and it's the hardest part of learning to embrace the unknown.
So what is the secret? Is it spiritual, meditative or what many would see as the latest psycho-babble. For myself, its a combination of practices, but more importantly it stems from the understanding that trying to live in the past with should have's or could have's, or living in the future with the what if's will compromise the present. I believe the hardest thing for people to understand is, in this life, you are not allowed to go back and change what's already been done, no matter how much you think you can, it won't happen. It's not possible, though in our minds sometimes we think if we believe it hard enough....it will happen. As well, being focused on what might happen in the future, or how we can find that sense of control that could possibly deminish our fear. If there are two places in this world where we have to recognize a lack of control, this is where we need to start. But how do we do it?
I mentioned a combination of practices that worked for me to keep me in the present and whether I depend on my spiritual beliefs to guide me or I discover therapeutic ways in which to cope, the good news is......there are ways in which to live with the unknown. That in fact is the only real control you have in this life........to find what works for you. To find ways in which to be happy and content with being in this moment instead of dwelling in the past or bracing yourself for the future. You can continue to figure out why this, or what if that......but it won't get you anywhere, and if you are emotionally or physically ill......it will only magnify what you're experiencing already.
Bottom line.....it's ok to "not know" things, or to not understand anything that goes on in this life. We weren't put on this earth to understand everything, but to experience everything. What's not ok is feeling defeated or beaten down by the inability to not understand or thinking we should. With all my illness issues, and for all the years I lived with not knowing clearly or understanding what was happening to me physically......it really didn't matter. Even if there is a clear label to what someone has, it doesn't necessarily bring with it an understanding or reason why they have it.....for sometimes if not all the time.......there is no reason. It just is, and finally for me........that is ok.
You would think most of the fear would stem from realizing how vulnerable we all are out here in space, slowly turning with one thing that holds us all to the ground.....gravity. I didn't really think about it that much until television pictures started coming back from photo's taken inside a window in the space station years ago. I saw what the atronauts saw.....which was earth, out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing underneath it to keep it from falling. What an eiry feeling that was. I started to think about it so much so, that it actually began to make me wonder, why in the world I would fret and worry about everyday things in my life, or fear them rather, when I'm held to this earth by one thing...gravity. If there were none, I'd be falling out into space. Now thats something to fear. And no matter your beliefs about how we ended up on this earth, there is always room to question......why am I here, and how long do I have?
Silly I suppose to many, for most of us never take a moment to wonder how we got here, how long we'll last, or more importantly, how we're suppose to spend our time while we're here. Good questions for all of us, but not exactly why I chose to write this particular post. I want to talk about fear and how it can be transformed into something much different. Something that doesn't have a tendency to restle us to the ground, stomp our guts out, leaving us in a dazed state.....because in all truth, thats what fear does. You can try your best to hide it, avoid it, or completely deny that it exists in your life, but honestly I believe we all live with it at some level.
There are many forms of fear. Fear of self, fear of others, fear of illness, fear of death, fear of losing someone we love, or my own personal favorite......fear of losing control. Of course aren't we all under the misapprehension that we have any control at all? Absolutely. We do in fact have the ability to make choices in life, but ultimately, we are always a few feet away from the next atomic bomb, natural disaster, illness, or losing those we love. And you can press your feet to the floor thinking you can stop it, but after a while you'll see it only steals your energy, strength and more importantly....your peace of mind.
With all this said, what does it take to transform our fear into something we can actually live with, accept, or........embrace, leaving behind the need to question why and begin to understand, why not? For all any of us seem to think is, that if there is an answer to our why, then that will make everything right. I'm sorry to say..... this is not the case......and it's the hardest part of learning to embrace the unknown.
So what is the secret? Is it spiritual, meditative or what many would see as the latest psycho-babble. For myself, its a combination of practices, but more importantly it stems from the understanding that trying to live in the past with should have's or could have's, or living in the future with the what if's will compromise the present. I believe the hardest thing for people to understand is, in this life, you are not allowed to go back and change what's already been done, no matter how much you think you can, it won't happen. It's not possible, though in our minds sometimes we think if we believe it hard enough....it will happen. As well, being focused on what might happen in the future, or how we can find that sense of control that could possibly deminish our fear. If there are two places in this world where we have to recognize a lack of control, this is where we need to start. But how do we do it?
I mentioned a combination of practices that worked for me to keep me in the present and whether I depend on my spiritual beliefs to guide me or I discover therapeutic ways in which to cope, the good news is......there are ways in which to live with the unknown. That in fact is the only real control you have in this life........to find what works for you. To find ways in which to be happy and content with being in this moment instead of dwelling in the past or bracing yourself for the future. You can continue to figure out why this, or what if that......but it won't get you anywhere, and if you are emotionally or physically ill......it will only magnify what you're experiencing already.
Bottom line.....it's ok to "not know" things, or to not understand anything that goes on in this life. We weren't put on this earth to understand everything, but to experience everything. What's not ok is feeling defeated or beaten down by the inability to not understand or thinking we should. With all my illness issues, and for all the years I lived with not knowing clearly or understanding what was happening to me physically......it really didn't matter. Even if there is a clear label to what someone has, it doesn't necessarily bring with it an understanding or reason why they have it.....for sometimes if not all the time.......there is no reason. It just is, and finally for me........that is ok.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Why Are We Afraid?
There are so many things in this world that can cause us to be afraid. Just like a child in the dark wishing that someone would turn the light on, or hoping that soon the moon would brighten their room. Those moments can make us feel as if we are the only ones left on this earth, roaming about with no clue as to what needs to happen next......or what will actually happen next. I myself have found that the easiest way for me to get through moments like that of a child, is to just be ok with being clueless and not beat to death that I am actually experiencing fear. After all, I don't believe there is any rule that says adults can't be afraid. So thank God, for there is much out there in the world to be afraid of.
The most important part of conquering the fear, whatever it may be, is to understand where the fear originates. Is it something that we carry around out of habit, or something that holds actual validity? I have been around people who seem to search for something to worry or be afraid of on a daily basis, like their daily intake of coffee. It's 6am....time to worry or let the fear set in.....it's 2pm.....time for our afternoon fear.........11pm.....time for some fear before bed. Hey....the only reason I can see this is only because I've done it myself, and there is no point in asking why. If I learned anything at all through the years, sick or well, it's to not ask a person why they do anything. Most of the time, they don't know.
So it's not so important if we recognize that we do experience fear of some kind, whatever time of day it is......but it's what we choose to do with it that's important. We're either consumed by it, thinking that if we hang on, that we actually have some sort of control over our lives, or we can see if it truly warrants our just letting it go because of how it affects our bodies. We've all heard the phrase, "theres nothing to fear except fear itself." Well, if you think about it, it is so true. Whether you are riddled with it or not, nine times out of ten, you won't be able to control what ever it is you're faced with.
I realize this is of course easier said than done, and the only reason why I choose to make such an issue of it is because when you're carrying around a chronic disease, fear is the last thing in the world you want to spread on top. It only put's added stress on the body, which in turn makes your symptoms worse.....no matter what disease is.
So today, evaluate your own fear. See where it originates, and how you can let it go. Sometimes it helps just to share our fears with someone we trust. They don't have to fix it, or make it go away, just be a witness.
The most important part of conquering the fear, whatever it may be, is to understand where the fear originates. Is it something that we carry around out of habit, or something that holds actual validity? I have been around people who seem to search for something to worry or be afraid of on a daily basis, like their daily intake of coffee. It's 6am....time to worry or let the fear set in.....it's 2pm.....time for our afternoon fear.........11pm.....time for some fear before bed. Hey....the only reason I can see this is only because I've done it myself, and there is no point in asking why. If I learned anything at all through the years, sick or well, it's to not ask a person why they do anything. Most of the time, they don't know.
So it's not so important if we recognize that we do experience fear of some kind, whatever time of day it is......but it's what we choose to do with it that's important. We're either consumed by it, thinking that if we hang on, that we actually have some sort of control over our lives, or we can see if it truly warrants our just letting it go because of how it affects our bodies. We've all heard the phrase, "theres nothing to fear except fear itself." Well, if you think about it, it is so true. Whether you are riddled with it or not, nine times out of ten, you won't be able to control what ever it is you're faced with.
I realize this is of course easier said than done, and the only reason why I choose to make such an issue of it is because when you're carrying around a chronic disease, fear is the last thing in the world you want to spread on top. It only put's added stress on the body, which in turn makes your symptoms worse.....no matter what disease is.
So today, evaluate your own fear. See where it originates, and how you can let it go. Sometimes it helps just to share our fears with someone we trust. They don't have to fix it, or make it go away, just be a witness.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Witness
There was a woman who was very sick and looking for someone or something to take away her pain and suffering. She entered a building with a long corridor, and doors with different signs and even though she was reluctant to knock on each door and go in......she did it anyway. The signs ranged from psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, physical therapist, massage therapist, therapeutic touch therapist.....etc. All were reputable therapists, very qualified and good at their craft she was told, so she started knocking. All were very willing to help, even though she had no money to pay, and were able to guide her through avenues of self-exploration, helping her to release emotional trauma and pain from the past, as well as restore her ability to experience peace and joy in her life. It took a very long time to make her way down the hall finding ways in which to deal with her suffering, but she stuck with it and never gave up hope.
Her hope is what sustained her through the journey, having to endure emotional issues and physical issues that could have very easily been left alone to fester. But again, her hope and determination to get better gave her the strength to endure. She was hoping that surely, after having taken the time to enter each door, and venture into the unknown week after week, month after month, and year after year.......her physical pain and suffering would disappear. But as she got closer she began to realize, something had changed, but it wasn't her illness that left her body........it was all still there intact. There had been no magic potion or miraculous healing to relieve her suffering, but something much different, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
As she looked down the corridor, there was only one door left. She was hesitant when she saw the sign on the door, for it didn't look like any of the other signs. There was no implication of therapist, doctor or healer, even though through her journey, her faith in God had deepened and she had gained much wisdom in how to love and nurture self as God loves her. This next door had two words in bold letters........The Witness. She stood there for a while wondering what that meant, not sure if she had already finished her journey and this door belonged to someone else......or if in fact she needed to step through it not understanding how it applied to her.
She knocked, but there was no answer. She turned the knob and the door opened freely, but when she peeked in, there was no one there. She did notice that the office was beautiful. The walls were painted a faint shade of blue, the windows were huge with a wonderful view of trees and blue skies, the desk was old but with character, a comfortable chair and a bookshelf oddly enough filled with all the books she had read over the years. There was a strange sense of peace that came over her wondering if she was dreaming or if she had finally reached a place that would make a difference in her life. She eased over to the desk and sat down in the cozy chair, which had a wrap draped across the back that belonged to her that she used to keep her warm on cold and snowy days. As her eyes finally met the top of the desk, she found a note.
This is how it read:
Dear Seeker....
I hope you find your office suitable for your purpose in life, for you have worked hard and endured through some impossible crossings, never giving up on trying to find meaning from your pain and suffering. I am sorry that I cannot take away your illness for it is not up to me, though you and many others believe that if I have the power, then why wouldn't I heal you? I have found that you are much more valuable sick than well......for your journey has been a test for me to see if you could learn to change your focus from your own pain and suffering, and use it to help others. This in fact will be your healing, not just a simple touch from my hand. So your journey has not been a waste of time, but something that was much more valuable than the masters degree that you were constantly seeking to complete.
You wanted to know more than anything, and for a very long time, what your purpose was in this life, and now your answer has finally been revealed. Your purpose is to be a witness for others that are like you. Those that are broken, lost, sad, frustrated and who do and will most likely continue to suffer from much pain and suffering, either physical or emotional. They need someone to not only pass on the knowledge that you've gained by passing through all the doors in the corridor, but importantly, they need someone to simply be a witness to their pain. For no matter the reason for their pain, or where it originated........ pain is pain.
I hope you are not too disappointed, but in fact excited that you do have your own door, with your own office, desk, and view of the world, even though I thought it was more important to put what you do on the door instead of your name. I didn't think you would mind. I will always be here with you, though you won't see me......you will feel my presence. I hope you will not be angry with me, for it was the only path you could take in order to find this space that is clearly yours. And after all, you did ask.
Sincerely....
The One that hears your prayers
Her hope is what sustained her through the journey, having to endure emotional issues and physical issues that could have very easily been left alone to fester. But again, her hope and determination to get better gave her the strength to endure. She was hoping that surely, after having taken the time to enter each door, and venture into the unknown week after week, month after month, and year after year.......her physical pain and suffering would disappear. But as she got closer she began to realize, something had changed, but it wasn't her illness that left her body........it was all still there intact. There had been no magic potion or miraculous healing to relieve her suffering, but something much different, though she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
As she looked down the corridor, there was only one door left. She was hesitant when she saw the sign on the door, for it didn't look like any of the other signs. There was no implication of therapist, doctor or healer, even though through her journey, her faith in God had deepened and she had gained much wisdom in how to love and nurture self as God loves her. This next door had two words in bold letters........The Witness. She stood there for a while wondering what that meant, not sure if she had already finished her journey and this door belonged to someone else......or if in fact she needed to step through it not understanding how it applied to her.
She knocked, but there was no answer. She turned the knob and the door opened freely, but when she peeked in, there was no one there. She did notice that the office was beautiful. The walls were painted a faint shade of blue, the windows were huge with a wonderful view of trees and blue skies, the desk was old but with character, a comfortable chair and a bookshelf oddly enough filled with all the books she had read over the years. There was a strange sense of peace that came over her wondering if she was dreaming or if she had finally reached a place that would make a difference in her life. She eased over to the desk and sat down in the cozy chair, which had a wrap draped across the back that belonged to her that she used to keep her warm on cold and snowy days. As her eyes finally met the top of the desk, she found a note.
This is how it read:
Dear Seeker....
I hope you find your office suitable for your purpose in life, for you have worked hard and endured through some impossible crossings, never giving up on trying to find meaning from your pain and suffering. I am sorry that I cannot take away your illness for it is not up to me, though you and many others believe that if I have the power, then why wouldn't I heal you? I have found that you are much more valuable sick than well......for your journey has been a test for me to see if you could learn to change your focus from your own pain and suffering, and use it to help others. This in fact will be your healing, not just a simple touch from my hand. So your journey has not been a waste of time, but something that was much more valuable than the masters degree that you were constantly seeking to complete.
You wanted to know more than anything, and for a very long time, what your purpose was in this life, and now your answer has finally been revealed. Your purpose is to be a witness for others that are like you. Those that are broken, lost, sad, frustrated and who do and will most likely continue to suffer from much pain and suffering, either physical or emotional. They need someone to not only pass on the knowledge that you've gained by passing through all the doors in the corridor, but importantly, they need someone to simply be a witness to their pain. For no matter the reason for their pain, or where it originated........ pain is pain.
I hope you are not too disappointed, but in fact excited that you do have your own door, with your own office, desk, and view of the world, even though I thought it was more important to put what you do on the door instead of your name. I didn't think you would mind. I will always be here with you, though you won't see me......you will feel my presence. I hope you will not be angry with me, for it was the only path you could take in order to find this space that is clearly yours. And after all, you did ask.
Sincerely....
The One that hears your prayers
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Pace of Life
There is, whether or not you take the time to notice or not, a very distinct pace that the world is following right now, and it appears that as the sun gets hotter and the icebergs melt, society has decided to pick up that pace. It's interesting to see how people are responding to the latest energy crisis, whether cutting back on their buying or giving up their fancy cars, there is a definite shift that's occuring for all of us. I see this as a good thing because it forces people to learn to think out of the box, something most of us would rather not have to do.
However, with this realization that the world is changing, and almost reverting back to a time that was simpler, like riding the bus, riding your bike and getting back to the basics at the grocery store......the pace continues to grow. Why? And what's more important is, do we even take notice of how the pace effects our bodies? Surely I'm not the only one who realizes our bodies were not made to endure that sort of pressure, but of course I understand from experience how pressure can break the body down, whether you're sick or well.
I along with many others have been forced to live a different sort of life, most often one that has no pace. You wake up, not wondering how to prioritize your day, adding or subtracting things that may or may not be on your do to list.......but wondering if you can even get out of the bed that day. You're not worrying about what outfit to wear, but very well considering spending the day not getting dressed at all. Not due to laziness or lack of motivation, but out of neccessity. So before the day has even started, if there is any pace to follow, it's just making sure you can take care of your basic needs and then often enough, someone else has set the pace for you, because you're not able to take care of yourself.
Now this is not being said out of jealousy for those that still have the ability to run their lives by a pace that's self imposed, but only taking note that one does have a choice in how busy they want their life to be. This is in fact the perfect time to stop and be aware of how the hours in a day are spent, and how it's effecting your body. If you looked at your list, could you in fact check something off that no longer serves a purpose for you? Could you possibly see that only so many things can happen within a certain number of hours, and if your list can't be satisfied for that day, there are only two ways to handle it. Move leftover to do's to the next day, or just decide that you can check it off altogether.
You're probably saying to yourself.....nope sorry...can't do either, therefore continue to live in chaos and ignoring the ill effects of too much busyness. In that case, it might be quite possible that you are in fact addicted to chaos, and this could be self imposed, or just stopping for a moment to realize that you have in fact been abducted by the pace monster. Either way, it's not that you slipped into the pace, as much is how you'll get yourself out.
However, with this realization that the world is changing, and almost reverting back to a time that was simpler, like riding the bus, riding your bike and getting back to the basics at the grocery store......the pace continues to grow. Why? And what's more important is, do we even take notice of how the pace effects our bodies? Surely I'm not the only one who realizes our bodies were not made to endure that sort of pressure, but of course I understand from experience how pressure can break the body down, whether you're sick or well.
I along with many others have been forced to live a different sort of life, most often one that has no pace. You wake up, not wondering how to prioritize your day, adding or subtracting things that may or may not be on your do to list.......but wondering if you can even get out of the bed that day. You're not worrying about what outfit to wear, but very well considering spending the day not getting dressed at all. Not due to laziness or lack of motivation, but out of neccessity. So before the day has even started, if there is any pace to follow, it's just making sure you can take care of your basic needs and then often enough, someone else has set the pace for you, because you're not able to take care of yourself.
Now this is not being said out of jealousy for those that still have the ability to run their lives by a pace that's self imposed, but only taking note that one does have a choice in how busy they want their life to be. This is in fact the perfect time to stop and be aware of how the hours in a day are spent, and how it's effecting your body. If you looked at your list, could you in fact check something off that no longer serves a purpose for you? Could you possibly see that only so many things can happen within a certain number of hours, and if your list can't be satisfied for that day, there are only two ways to handle it. Move leftover to do's to the next day, or just decide that you can check it off altogether.
You're probably saying to yourself.....nope sorry...can't do either, therefore continue to live in chaos and ignoring the ill effects of too much busyness. In that case, it might be quite possible that you are in fact addicted to chaos, and this could be self imposed, or just stopping for a moment to realize that you have in fact been abducted by the pace monster. Either way, it's not that you slipped into the pace, as much is how you'll get yourself out.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Those Who Are Not Sick
We can label those people who are not sick.....lucky. Lucky they had parents with good genes. Lucky they were able for whatever reason to not have to experience pain and suffering.....at least not at an early age, so that it would leave a path of destruction along their lifepath. Who decided who would get sick and who would stay well? God? The devil? Cosmic forces? Or does it really matter that we figure that out, for in the end, it doesn't really matter. For whatever reason, you are being asked to endure something......no different than if you were born blind, deaf, or without all your limbs. There is no rhyme or reason to it, especially considering that a child would have to endure for a lifetime. It seems cruel.......but it happens everyday.
Everyday a child is born imperfect, and people get sick, through no fault of their own. They were just living their life, when all of a sudden something crept up and decided to steal the life they thought they were going to lead. And whether you are dirt poor, or filthy rich, it doesn't matter. Whether you were physically fit and did all the right things, or were overweight and never exercised, it still doesn't matter. Whether you had a traumatic childhood or were raised by saints, it doesn't matter. Bottom line is.......you got sick.
There is no room for blame here. You'll will find no purpose in a daily habit of asking "why", or explaining to others why, for this only makes the situation worse. You can ask yourself what your role is in this situation..........what can be done with this disease, or how can it be used in someway? We can sit and ponder on how awful it is, or allow it to be used for others to witness. What better way to teach a well person true peace, acceptance and perseverance? For they may go through life having taken their bumps, but will never understand what it's like to have their strong bodies compromised by illness. Seems an incredible way to teach gratitude.
They get up each morning wondering how many things they can pack into each day without worrying about how they will get around, are how they will endure the pain and frustration of having to use a wheelchair or cane. They can get up excited about their morning walk.....feeling their body breeze through the early morning fog, wondering if they could walk 3 miles instead of just 2 that day. They have their shower and get dressed with no need to rest before they can start their day or count the hours they have to stay down as opposed to up. They gather their briefcase, dress the children for school, or begin their writing for the day without having to take a hand full of pills to help them get through the day, especially one that makes their muscles work because they can't work without it.
The weekend coming up might be filled with a festival in town, a hike in the woods, going dancing with your spouse or shopping for new clothes. With your new walking shoes, you could walk for hours with no problem.....nor would it ever occur to you that you would ever have a problem. You only see your family physician for yearly checkups, and not sitting in a different specialists office every other week. Your pills of choice are only vitamins and an occasional one for a headache or backache from having worked in your garden too long.
The sick need not live in pity, nor expect it from those that are not sick. Pity or staying focused on the fact that you are different will only hinder your illness. And if you find yourself trying to defend your yourself or your illness, whether you were born disabled or suffer later in life, you will only weigh down your already depleted body. Unfortunately in this life, those of us who are sick will have to endure something much more devestating than the illness itself.........we will have to endure something that no one should have to endure........persecution and judgement for being different.
Society cannot place those of us who are disabled in a discarded pile, questioning whether or not we are truly sick. How are you to decide the difference? And more importantly, when were you given the power to judge or question in the first place?
If those of us who are sick have any hopes of getting better, or coping with the fact that we will remain sick for the duration, doesn't it make more sense for a physically healthy person to offer help, understanding and compassion, for those of us who are less fortunate?
It is so sad to realize that the ones we need the most to comfort us, encourage us and understand how we must live our lives, through no fault of our own, only continues to question and judge. It's also sad that until they are faced with illness themselves.....they will never "get it."
Everyday a child is born imperfect, and people get sick, through no fault of their own. They were just living their life, when all of a sudden something crept up and decided to steal the life they thought they were going to lead. And whether you are dirt poor, or filthy rich, it doesn't matter. Whether you were physically fit and did all the right things, or were overweight and never exercised, it still doesn't matter. Whether you had a traumatic childhood or were raised by saints, it doesn't matter. Bottom line is.......you got sick.
There is no room for blame here. You'll will find no purpose in a daily habit of asking "why", or explaining to others why, for this only makes the situation worse. You can ask yourself what your role is in this situation..........what can be done with this disease, or how can it be used in someway? We can sit and ponder on how awful it is, or allow it to be used for others to witness. What better way to teach a well person true peace, acceptance and perseverance? For they may go through life having taken their bumps, but will never understand what it's like to have their strong bodies compromised by illness. Seems an incredible way to teach gratitude.
They get up each morning wondering how many things they can pack into each day without worrying about how they will get around, are how they will endure the pain and frustration of having to use a wheelchair or cane. They can get up excited about their morning walk.....feeling their body breeze through the early morning fog, wondering if they could walk 3 miles instead of just 2 that day. They have their shower and get dressed with no need to rest before they can start their day or count the hours they have to stay down as opposed to up. They gather their briefcase, dress the children for school, or begin their writing for the day without having to take a hand full of pills to help them get through the day, especially one that makes their muscles work because they can't work without it.
The weekend coming up might be filled with a festival in town, a hike in the woods, going dancing with your spouse or shopping for new clothes. With your new walking shoes, you could walk for hours with no problem.....nor would it ever occur to you that you would ever have a problem. You only see your family physician for yearly checkups, and not sitting in a different specialists office every other week. Your pills of choice are only vitamins and an occasional one for a headache or backache from having worked in your garden too long.
The sick need not live in pity, nor expect it from those that are not sick. Pity or staying focused on the fact that you are different will only hinder your illness. And if you find yourself trying to defend your yourself or your illness, whether you were born disabled or suffer later in life, you will only weigh down your already depleted body. Unfortunately in this life, those of us who are sick will have to endure something much more devestating than the illness itself.........we will have to endure something that no one should have to endure........persecution and judgement for being different.
Society cannot place those of us who are disabled in a discarded pile, questioning whether or not we are truly sick. How are you to decide the difference? And more importantly, when were you given the power to judge or question in the first place?
If those of us who are sick have any hopes of getting better, or coping with the fact that we will remain sick for the duration, doesn't it make more sense for a physically healthy person to offer help, understanding and compassion, for those of us who are less fortunate?
It is so sad to realize that the ones we need the most to comfort us, encourage us and understand how we must live our lives, through no fault of our own, only continues to question and judge. It's also sad that until they are faced with illness themselves.....they will never "get it."
Friday, July 4, 2008
The Courage to Endure
What can possibly be gained by embracing physical pain and suffering? If I were answering that question myself, I would first have to look at the alternative. What happens if you can't or choose not to embrace the pain and suffering. To me thats a grim picture.....only because I have been in that picture myself. But more than the actual physical suffering, your mind is messed with, altered, and challenged. You are faced with acknowleding something about yourself that you never thought you would have to acknowledge..... especially when you value your physical abilities as I did. No one ever told me I must be physically strong and fit, it was just a choice....something I wanted to do. So when that strength started to dwindle a little each day, until all my physical activities came to a standstill, there are no other words left to describe the situation other than, "my mind was being messed with."
At the time my life started to fall apart physically, I didn't realize there was an alternative to the feelings of frustration, devestation, anger, self pity, hopelessness.....etc. I layed crumpled in a heap, dazed and confused at that point, how could I feel any differently? Was I suppose to pick myself up, brush myself off and pretend like nothing had happened? Even with wellwishers looking on to offer whatever help was needed, I could see the sadness and pity in their eyes. I either looked like death warmed over, or they were already starting to mourn my impending death. As you can see, it was not a pretty picture, physically or emotionally. So even if someone had come to me at that point and suggested that I embrace the pain, I proabably would have had them shot on sight.
After having been sick for several years, or at least at a point where symptoms could not be ignored any longer, and continuing to push myself physically because doctors couldn't find anything wrong, I proceeded, at age 40, to return to college fulltime. And this was right after a painful divorce. Another one of those things I thought I would never have to go through in this life. So there I was, divorced with two children who still needed alot of care and attention, in school fulltime, and two part time jobs. Sounds like a lethal concoction, right? Well, it was me standing on the side of a cliff, carrying a backpack that weighed 100 lbs. with no safety net below. Yes indeedy, an accident just waiting to happen. But after all, "there is nothing wrong with you Cindy." Right.
So there I was, just trying to do the right thing. Trying to get on with my life, get an education so I could do the thing I felt I was destined to do.........counseling. I was to finish school with a masters, find a home, continue to be a mother, and be able to take care of myself and my children. What a nice picture that is, but how quickly I would discover that it was not to be my picture. For I see now that I was to lead a different kind of life. If I were to really be in a position to help others, it would be in a completely different way than I had planned. I would not be all spruced up in nice clothes, with my own office and name on the door. It would not be with clients who had lots of money or who drove fancy cars and live in fancy houses, nor would I be well recognized and respected in my community for being counselor of the year. I would not hold a record for the fastest mile, I would not be playing tennis with the elite group at the tennis club, or joining friends at the country club for a friday night dance.
Finally, this is where the courage to endure comes into play......but not without years of learning how to embrace the real life that I had in front of me instead of continuing to pine for the one I lost. I was able to graduate from college, by doing my last semester in bed. I didn't get my masters, but learned how to connect with other people who are suffering from a chronic illness, and used the skills I had to help them cope, recognizing they had no money to pay. I studied to be a life coach instead of a psychologist. My apartment was my office, with only the apt number on the door, and the fancy clothes were replaced with my pajama's. My physical activites were replaced with new coping skills such as meditation, relaxation, reading up-lifting and helpful books which taught peace, perseverance and finding purpose in my life in the midst of frustration and loss. If there was an office involved, it turned out to be my therapists office, who I constantly praised and encouraged to fulfill her own dreams while she helped me work through my situation.
There was no need for recognition or praise. For I no longer needed that to continue to do what I was convinced was carefully planned out by God. I wasn't being punished, and I no longer had to find reason's of why I was sick, or defend myself for the sort of life I was leading. Soon I was able to understand the term, "embrace the pain" and actually start to encorporate it into my own life. Some days it's extremely hard to do, but the alternative is that not so pretty picture of me piled in a heap with no hope at all.
At the time my life started to fall apart physically, I didn't realize there was an alternative to the feelings of frustration, devestation, anger, self pity, hopelessness.....etc. I layed crumpled in a heap, dazed and confused at that point, how could I feel any differently? Was I suppose to pick myself up, brush myself off and pretend like nothing had happened? Even with wellwishers looking on to offer whatever help was needed, I could see the sadness and pity in their eyes. I either looked like death warmed over, or they were already starting to mourn my impending death. As you can see, it was not a pretty picture, physically or emotionally. So even if someone had come to me at that point and suggested that I embrace the pain, I proabably would have had them shot on sight.
After having been sick for several years, or at least at a point where symptoms could not be ignored any longer, and continuing to push myself physically because doctors couldn't find anything wrong, I proceeded, at age 40, to return to college fulltime. And this was right after a painful divorce. Another one of those things I thought I would never have to go through in this life. So there I was, divorced with two children who still needed alot of care and attention, in school fulltime, and two part time jobs. Sounds like a lethal concoction, right? Well, it was me standing on the side of a cliff, carrying a backpack that weighed 100 lbs. with no safety net below. Yes indeedy, an accident just waiting to happen. But after all, "there is nothing wrong with you Cindy." Right.
So there I was, just trying to do the right thing. Trying to get on with my life, get an education so I could do the thing I felt I was destined to do.........counseling. I was to finish school with a masters, find a home, continue to be a mother, and be able to take care of myself and my children. What a nice picture that is, but how quickly I would discover that it was not to be my picture. For I see now that I was to lead a different kind of life. If I were to really be in a position to help others, it would be in a completely different way than I had planned. I would not be all spruced up in nice clothes, with my own office and name on the door. It would not be with clients who had lots of money or who drove fancy cars and live in fancy houses, nor would I be well recognized and respected in my community for being counselor of the year. I would not hold a record for the fastest mile, I would not be playing tennis with the elite group at the tennis club, or joining friends at the country club for a friday night dance.
Finally, this is where the courage to endure comes into play......but not without years of learning how to embrace the real life that I had in front of me instead of continuing to pine for the one I lost. I was able to graduate from college, by doing my last semester in bed. I didn't get my masters, but learned how to connect with other people who are suffering from a chronic illness, and used the skills I had to help them cope, recognizing they had no money to pay. I studied to be a life coach instead of a psychologist. My apartment was my office, with only the apt number on the door, and the fancy clothes were replaced with my pajama's. My physical activites were replaced with new coping skills such as meditation, relaxation, reading up-lifting and helpful books which taught peace, perseverance and finding purpose in my life in the midst of frustration and loss. If there was an office involved, it turned out to be my therapists office, who I constantly praised and encouraged to fulfill her own dreams while she helped me work through my situation.
There was no need for recognition or praise. For I no longer needed that to continue to do what I was convinced was carefully planned out by God. I wasn't being punished, and I no longer had to find reason's of why I was sick, or defend myself for the sort of life I was leading. Soon I was able to understand the term, "embrace the pain" and actually start to encorporate it into my own life. Some days it's extremely hard to do, but the alternative is that not so pretty picture of me piled in a heap with no hope at all.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Embracing the Pain
Sounds like a contradiction in terms, right? How can you use the words embrace and pain in the same sentence? Why in the world would anyone even attempt to use that phrase? I was that person years ago when I first hear the term, and though it took several years to find the true meaning behind it, it was well worth the effort. When I talk about pain and suffering, I used to be referring to physical pain and suffering caused by not only auto immune diseases, but any kind of disease or chronic illness. But, I've also learned that pain is pain, and suffering is suffering, doesn't matter the reason. Bottom line is you feel like something has wrestled you to the ground and stomped on your body repeatly, until you're left in a heap to die. At least thats what my body feels like most of the time.... and whether its genetic, you've been in an accident, a disease has decided to take residence in your body, or you've suffered emotional trauma of some kind, again......pain is still pain. Something that you will find yourself running from, getting angry with, or giving into because it's so devestating.
So with all this being said, how in the world or rather why in the world would you want to learn to embrace it, when obviously it's a BAD thing and pretty much ruins any hope of living a normal and happy life? How can you befriend this thing that daily wears you down and steals precious moments throughout the day, when your main goal is to question, "why me." It seems you can either get angry with the pain, and let it control your life, or you can create a diaglogue to understand what it wants from you.
Sounds like a relationship, right? Well, thats basically what it is really. If you can't make sense out of the situation, and fighting it or becoming a victim only makes things worse, then something has to change, and since the pain and suffering is not changing, guess who is left? You....because you can't control the pain by ignoring it, giving into it, or getting angry with it. You can surely try, but its not all that effective, and honestly ends up wearing you down even more in the process. Who wants to live like that?
Wonder what would happen if we took the word "why" out of our vocabulary? Not completely, but just when talking about the pain issue. And I'm talking about the "why me", instead of generally knowing what has caused the pain in the first place. Now if we're talking about an unclear diagnosis, it makes the situation even more difficult to deal with, and even more reason to ask "why". However, I was not diagnosed for over 10 years, and was still able to befriend my suffering, so hope is not completely lost here.
For me, I had to think of my illness as an intruder, who was determined to steal something they needed from me. Picture a real intruder breaking in your door. You will either try to fight back, run because you're scared to death, stand still and let them do whatever, or look them in the eye and try to befriend them. Most of us, if we want to be honest, would be inclined to run the other way.....very quickly. We're either too weak to fight, overcome by fear, or feel we can outrun them. The only way anyone can even attempt to befriend an intruder is to change something within themselves. The intruder we see as bad, because they want to steal something or harm us, but there could be another reason why they has decided to break in. So the question becomes what instead of why.
So what does my illness want from me, because I will never realize why. How can I get to the point where I can actually sit down with this intruder and understand what it needs from me? I can ask it questions, but I cannot ask it why.....those are the rules. What are you looking for inside my body..... what do you need from me.......what can I see differently that will help you get what you need, instead of focusing on why this is happening to me? And more importantly, how can I realize that what it needs is not to destroy me, but in fact to save me?
So with all this being said, how in the world or rather why in the world would you want to learn to embrace it, when obviously it's a BAD thing and pretty much ruins any hope of living a normal and happy life? How can you befriend this thing that daily wears you down and steals precious moments throughout the day, when your main goal is to question, "why me." It seems you can either get angry with the pain, and let it control your life, or you can create a diaglogue to understand what it wants from you.
Sounds like a relationship, right? Well, thats basically what it is really. If you can't make sense out of the situation, and fighting it or becoming a victim only makes things worse, then something has to change, and since the pain and suffering is not changing, guess who is left? You....because you can't control the pain by ignoring it, giving into it, or getting angry with it. You can surely try, but its not all that effective, and honestly ends up wearing you down even more in the process. Who wants to live like that?
Wonder what would happen if we took the word "why" out of our vocabulary? Not completely, but just when talking about the pain issue. And I'm talking about the "why me", instead of generally knowing what has caused the pain in the first place. Now if we're talking about an unclear diagnosis, it makes the situation even more difficult to deal with, and even more reason to ask "why". However, I was not diagnosed for over 10 years, and was still able to befriend my suffering, so hope is not completely lost here.
For me, I had to think of my illness as an intruder, who was determined to steal something they needed from me. Picture a real intruder breaking in your door. You will either try to fight back, run because you're scared to death, stand still and let them do whatever, or look them in the eye and try to befriend them. Most of us, if we want to be honest, would be inclined to run the other way.....very quickly. We're either too weak to fight, overcome by fear, or feel we can outrun them. The only way anyone can even attempt to befriend an intruder is to change something within themselves. The intruder we see as bad, because they want to steal something or harm us, but there could be another reason why they has decided to break in. So the question becomes what instead of why.
So what does my illness want from me, because I will never realize why. How can I get to the point where I can actually sit down with this intruder and understand what it needs from me? I can ask it questions, but I cannot ask it why.....those are the rules. What are you looking for inside my body..... what do you need from me.......what can I see differently that will help you get what you need, instead of focusing on why this is happening to me? And more importantly, how can I realize that what it needs is not to destroy me, but in fact to save me?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
According to Webster
According to websters dictionary, acceptance means "to approve of willingly......to understand as having a certain meaning." I like that. To understand as having a certain meaning. If you begin to understand the meaning behind something, it makes it so much easier to accept. So if we want to try and pick apart the meaning of illness in search of understanding, will it somehow make all of the pain and suffering go away? How I wish I could say YES, for I've been waiting for years for it all to go away, but it just won't happen.
However, what has happened, is how I respond to the pain and suffering. I think people get stuck when they start to believe that "they are" their illness. In other words they start to define themselves from the place of illness, as if there is nothing left of themselves to experience this life. I know this feeling......a total feeling of being completely and utterly consumed. As if the disease has not only taken over your body, but your mind, heart and spirit as well. Do we have any control over that? Absolutely. The trick is to realize that you are actually still in there. The person who used to be whole, healthy, and physically capable still exists.
Again......you have to realize that when you start to consider all of this, it doesn't mean your illness will necessarily disappear, though it can eleviate those days where you really feel you can't go on. Not completely......but the positive, good and hopeful days will start to outweigh the negative ones where you let the pain and suffering consume you.
I like to see my mind, heart and spirit as something that is housed in a seperate place within my body. It's kept safe and secure along with my joy, happiness and peace. I use it to salve the moments when the frustration is too overwhelming. It all ultimately works together of course, but I still like to see those things as my precious stash of hope that can't be worn down or bruised by my physical suffering. It's in safe keeping and can be challenged some days, but not damaged.
To do this, I have to accept this thing in my body that is not so nice to me. It attacks me daily, 24-7 and most often wrestles me to the ground. I find myself waking up in the morning plotting to steal a moment of normalcy. How can I manipulate the situation in order to go out amongst the living and be normal? What disguise can I wear today that will cover up my weakness on the outside? For most of the time, I am the master of disguises. If I carefully orchestrate a block of time during the day, I can actually make people think there is nothing wrong with me. I can look nice, move around, and actually seem to be having a good time. Laugh, join in the conversation and "be normal." All the while inside my head I continue to listen out for the alarm that goes off that tells me.........you are entering the danger zone. You must stop, leave and find a place to lay down before you blow your cover. Of course doing this as gracefully as possible.
If it sounds like this takes a tremendous amount of energy, you are right. It actually sounds like I don't understand at all what acceptance means, or what my limitations are. But, honestly, I really do. It's a plan of attack that I have perfected over the course of 20 years.......so it's not me not living in reality, but me choosing to soak up as much of this life as humanly possible when walking around with something that's attacking my body.
I can play games with it because I understand it, and have learned to embrace it instead of fighting it. It grants me access to a few precious hours each day, to pretend I'm normal. I have made it my friend instead of my enemy and only because it is truly so valuable to me, in that it teaches me valuable lessons I would not be able to learn any other way.
I can see I'm going to have to explain how one embraces the pain.
However, what has happened, is how I respond to the pain and suffering. I think people get stuck when they start to believe that "they are" their illness. In other words they start to define themselves from the place of illness, as if there is nothing left of themselves to experience this life. I know this feeling......a total feeling of being completely and utterly consumed. As if the disease has not only taken over your body, but your mind, heart and spirit as well. Do we have any control over that? Absolutely. The trick is to realize that you are actually still in there. The person who used to be whole, healthy, and physically capable still exists.
Again......you have to realize that when you start to consider all of this, it doesn't mean your illness will necessarily disappear, though it can eleviate those days where you really feel you can't go on. Not completely......but the positive, good and hopeful days will start to outweigh the negative ones where you let the pain and suffering consume you.
I like to see my mind, heart and spirit as something that is housed in a seperate place within my body. It's kept safe and secure along with my joy, happiness and peace. I use it to salve the moments when the frustration is too overwhelming. It all ultimately works together of course, but I still like to see those things as my precious stash of hope that can't be worn down or bruised by my physical suffering. It's in safe keeping and can be challenged some days, but not damaged.
To do this, I have to accept this thing in my body that is not so nice to me. It attacks me daily, 24-7 and most often wrestles me to the ground. I find myself waking up in the morning plotting to steal a moment of normalcy. How can I manipulate the situation in order to go out amongst the living and be normal? What disguise can I wear today that will cover up my weakness on the outside? For most of the time, I am the master of disguises. If I carefully orchestrate a block of time during the day, I can actually make people think there is nothing wrong with me. I can look nice, move around, and actually seem to be having a good time. Laugh, join in the conversation and "be normal." All the while inside my head I continue to listen out for the alarm that goes off that tells me.........you are entering the danger zone. You must stop, leave and find a place to lay down before you blow your cover. Of course doing this as gracefully as possible.
If it sounds like this takes a tremendous amount of energy, you are right. It actually sounds like I don't understand at all what acceptance means, or what my limitations are. But, honestly, I really do. It's a plan of attack that I have perfected over the course of 20 years.......so it's not me not living in reality, but me choosing to soak up as much of this life as humanly possible when walking around with something that's attacking my body.
I can play games with it because I understand it, and have learned to embrace it instead of fighting it. It grants me access to a few precious hours each day, to pretend I'm normal. I have made it my friend instead of my enemy and only because it is truly so valuable to me, in that it teaches me valuable lessons I would not be able to learn any other way.
I can see I'm going to have to explain how one embraces the pain.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Acceptance as a Tool for Coping
Most people, when faced with a chronic illness want to stay as far away from acceptance of the situation as possible. It's like bracing yourself as you fly down a ski slope knowing you're getting ready to crash and burn, instead of allowing yourself to fall into it. The injuries are far greater when your body is tensed up. Same is true for an illness. We figure if we kick and scream, do the complete opposite of what we're suppose to do in order to manage it, it will miraculously disappear. We're quick to question or accuse God for allowing it to happen, for after all, we are basically good and mean well in this life. Why would we have to bother with an illness, that will makes us different in some way.........not normal any longer?
I had to journal for over 10 years before I finally understood that the best thing I could do for myself was to practice acceptance. Does that mean I gave into it? No. It means I stopped the neverending need to question why I was sick, and there were actually ways in which I could be stronger and better, more so emotionally instead of physically. Even if you don't consider yourself particularly spiritual, it doesn't mean that you can't seek the larger picture in the meaning behind your illness. Yes......you can say there is no need to answer that question, but it was just impossible for me to think that there wasn't some deeper meaning to my situation.
I found myself actually beginning to dialogue with my illness. If God were in fact trying to tell me something, by allowing this illness, I wanted to know what it was.....and it usually came down to the acceptance that bad things happen to good people. That the world has been designed for all of us not to neccessarily breeze through our life with no problems......but to teach us strength, courage and perseverance in the midst of our suffering. For many years once my illness began to really take hold of my life, I didn't understand that concept at all.......and more importantly, didn't feel that I could accept that concept at all. It felt too much like someone had the control, and I had none. I didn't like that feeling at all.
But as time passed, I understood that it would serve no purpose for me to be angry and play the victim. I would soon have to learn to actually do something with my illness. Of course being limited physically, and exhausted most of the time, it was very hard for me to try and find a way in which to use my limitations.
Acceptance doesn't mean you have to give up.......it only means that you are choosing to let go of the struggle to control the situation. I could very easily sit around all day and feel sorry for myself, watching the rest of the world go by with work, play and lead a seemingly normal life. Or, I could find a way to be grateful for what was left in my life that I could enjoy. Which turned out to be an overwhelming number of things actually. It's hard work, and it's a daily choice of whether I want to ball up and be miserable, or to sit up and take notice of how my illness can be very valuable to me and to others.
I'll share more about acceptance later, but for now take a moment to sit with that word and what it truly means.
I had to journal for over 10 years before I finally understood that the best thing I could do for myself was to practice acceptance. Does that mean I gave into it? No. It means I stopped the neverending need to question why I was sick, and there were actually ways in which I could be stronger and better, more so emotionally instead of physically. Even if you don't consider yourself particularly spiritual, it doesn't mean that you can't seek the larger picture in the meaning behind your illness. Yes......you can say there is no need to answer that question, but it was just impossible for me to think that there wasn't some deeper meaning to my situation.
I found myself actually beginning to dialogue with my illness. If God were in fact trying to tell me something, by allowing this illness, I wanted to know what it was.....and it usually came down to the acceptance that bad things happen to good people. That the world has been designed for all of us not to neccessarily breeze through our life with no problems......but to teach us strength, courage and perseverance in the midst of our suffering. For many years once my illness began to really take hold of my life, I didn't understand that concept at all.......and more importantly, didn't feel that I could accept that concept at all. It felt too much like someone had the control, and I had none. I didn't like that feeling at all.
But as time passed, I understood that it would serve no purpose for me to be angry and play the victim. I would soon have to learn to actually do something with my illness. Of course being limited physically, and exhausted most of the time, it was very hard for me to try and find a way in which to use my limitations.
Acceptance doesn't mean you have to give up.......it only means that you are choosing to let go of the struggle to control the situation. I could very easily sit around all day and feel sorry for myself, watching the rest of the world go by with work, play and lead a seemingly normal life. Or, I could find a way to be grateful for what was left in my life that I could enjoy. Which turned out to be an overwhelming number of things actually. It's hard work, and it's a daily choice of whether I want to ball up and be miserable, or to sit up and take notice of how my illness can be very valuable to me and to others.
I'll share more about acceptance later, but for now take a moment to sit with that word and what it truly means.
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