According to websters dictionary, acceptance means "to approve of willingly......to understand as having a certain meaning." I like that. To understand as having a certain meaning. If you begin to understand the meaning behind something, it makes it so much easier to accept. So if we want to try and pick apart the meaning of illness in search of understanding, will it somehow make all of the pain and suffering go away? How I wish I could say YES, for I've been waiting for years for it all to go away, but it just won't happen.
However, what has happened, is how I respond to the pain and suffering. I think people get stuck when they start to believe that "they are" their illness. In other words they start to define themselves from the place of illness, as if there is nothing left of themselves to experience this life. I know this feeling......a total feeling of being completely and utterly consumed. As if the disease has not only taken over your body, but your mind, heart and spirit as well. Do we have any control over that? Absolutely. The trick is to realize that you are actually still in there. The person who used to be whole, healthy, and physically capable still exists.
Again......you have to realize that when you start to consider all of this, it doesn't mean your illness will necessarily disappear, though it can eleviate those days where you really feel you can't go on. Not completely......but the positive, good and hopeful days will start to outweigh the negative ones where you let the pain and suffering consume you.
I like to see my mind, heart and spirit as something that is housed in a seperate place within my body. It's kept safe and secure along with my joy, happiness and peace. I use it to salve the moments when the frustration is too overwhelming. It all ultimately works together of course, but I still like to see those things as my precious stash of hope that can't be worn down or bruised by my physical suffering. It's in safe keeping and can be challenged some days, but not damaged.
To do this, I have to accept this thing in my body that is not so nice to me. It attacks me daily, 24-7 and most often wrestles me to the ground. I find myself waking up in the morning plotting to steal a moment of normalcy. How can I manipulate the situation in order to go out amongst the living and be normal? What disguise can I wear today that will cover up my weakness on the outside? For most of the time, I am the master of disguises. If I carefully orchestrate a block of time during the day, I can actually make people think there is nothing wrong with me. I can look nice, move around, and actually seem to be having a good time. Laugh, join in the conversation and "be normal." All the while inside my head I continue to listen out for the alarm that goes off that tells me.........you are entering the danger zone. You must stop, leave and find a place to lay down before you blow your cover. Of course doing this as gracefully as possible.
If it sounds like this takes a tremendous amount of energy, you are right. It actually sounds like I don't understand at all what acceptance means, or what my limitations are. But, honestly, I really do. It's a plan of attack that I have perfected over the course of 20 years.......so it's not me not living in reality, but me choosing to soak up as much of this life as humanly possible when walking around with something that's attacking my body.
I can play games with it because I understand it, and have learned to embrace it instead of fighting it. It grants me access to a few precious hours each day, to pretend I'm normal. I have made it my friend instead of my enemy and only because it is truly so valuable to me, in that it teaches me valuable lessons I would not be able to learn any other way.
I can see I'm going to have to explain how one embraces the pain.
No comments:
Post a Comment