This has been a week of disappointments for me, for I had an opportunity to see many friends and family I hadn't seen for a very long time. Of course as usual, it was due to my not being strong enough to either make the journey or either have the energy that's required just to be "on" for several days. I find there's a big difference in pushing the button "on", and physically being a part of something and actually coming to grips with how long your battery will last. In my case......not more than 20 minutes. And this is not something that is new by any means. This is simply the week in the life of Cindy. Something I have been living for a very long time, and you would think that I'd be used to it......but then there are days.....well.
I think about my acceptance level quite often, and wonder if sometimes I'm still able to play a video of how I think my life should be right now. The video, and dreams oddly enough, are of me strong and full of life.....able to drive, walk, run, dance, go to parties and weddings, work....etc. There are no wheelchairs, canes, chairs in close proximity to me, handicap parking tags or a bed closeby for me to crash in. No limitations whatsoever.....even to the point of me actually making plans to carry out ventures which in reality take, what most people take for granted, energy and strength. But then I catch myself, that is unless someone close to me has called to my attention as to how I plan to play out these great feats of strength. It's as if I'm able to completely ignore my limitations, by looking at this video in my head, believing that it's the way my life should or could look.....but then I remember. Ah...yes.
Keep in mind this is not a place in which to display pity, or playing the role as the victim....nor asking or expecting anyone around me to "fix" this. If anything that is the farthest thing from the truth. If anything at all, it is more about making a connection with those who really don't even have to be sick, but who understand that we all have our crosses to bear....mine just happens to be physical limitations. Yours could be illness, being in debt, having a loved one pass on, the sadness of a divorce, losing your job, frustrations from responsiblities in life, or just being unable to cope with those around you. If there is one thing I've learned in this life, it's that pain is pain, sadness is sadness, and loss is loss, and we all at one time or other reach our limit of how much we think we can take stresswise. All of us have said....."I don't know how much more I can take." There's not a person I've been around who has not said those exact words. So whatever my limitations or frustrations are.....keep in mind that I am fully aware of those that have it worse....much worse......and those who are fairly successful, but still have disappointments in this life.
It's not so important that I go into detail about what a week is like in my life.....but much more important to me that I was able to witness someones elses week. I can very easily rehash why I couldn't connect with friends and family this week and focus on how disappointed I am........and though as I've said before......I'm human and will have my moments of sadness......but it doesn't last long because I'm more interested in redirecting that so it's put to good use. I can either spend my time thinking about what I think my life should look like, and how unfair it is that my week was spent inside being still and quiet......or I can connect with others who are experiencing just as much disappointment or confusion in their own life.
It's important for me also to let go of needing others to completely understand my situation, or to reward me with a medal for trying so hard. I guess all of us to a degree would like some sort of recognition for what we all try to do with our lives.......but in my own journey, I'm trying to be better about understanding instead of being understood, for there are plenty of people out there who could write their own........A Week in the Life Of.
