I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in the last year. Just live in the moment Cindy.....live in the moment. Course if someone had told me that 15 years ago, I would have accused them of being on drugs or having overdosed on new age therapy. But when you are suddenly challenged with an illness, you'll try anything.....at least that was the case for me. My few books on the bedside table quickly turned into a massive library of the latest thing in self-awareness, learning to appreciate your surroundings, to meditation and relaxation skills. I even took it a step further and signed up for bio-feedback sessions with a doctor that had just begun his practice in a major teaching hospital. Much later I would enter into hypnotherapy with a reputable practitioner, which probably helped me more than anything.
What was I looking for exactly and how would these things help me get better? Or honestly at the time, how can I find a cure, for all I wanted more than anything was to have it all go away. So my bases were covered. I was going to beat this thing if it killed me, for there was no way in hell I was going to sit back and watch myself wither away to nothing. Surely something would work. I became bombarded by wellwishers, who would cut the latest article out of a magazine in hopes of me incorporating it into my life, ultimately resulting in a cure of some kind.
This was all well and good, but I soon realized that I had to take the bull by the horns and find what worked for me, but understanding that my doctors would have to have their way with me from a medical standpoint. That was a hard road for me to follow, because my body is very sensitive to medications of any kind......which frustrated the doctors I'm afraid. If anyone were to experience the side effects of any drug.......it was me. So my best option was to, in my own time and space, find something else that worked, or at least helped me cope better with my situation. Auto-immune however is a tricky thing, in that you must find a drug that helps to counteract the damage its doing to your body. There are many meds, but again.....most I cannot handle. This is where the awareness training started, and eventually the true meaning of living in the moment comes into play.
I believe that most of us spend our lives in the past, or worried about the future....period. I don't think I can put it any simpler than that. The question is.....why? Why try to go back or ponder what could have been, what should have been, while beating yourself up for decisions or mistakes you think you've made? Or, why would you contemplate what is to come when you have absolutely no control over what happens in the future? You can plan ahead, or think you have a carefully laid out map of what your future should look like, or what you dream it would look like, but unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I can't tell you how many times I have made plans, set things up to move in a certain direction, and find myself in a place I thought I would never be. My illness is a good example of this.
You go down a road, thinking YES. I have my map.....the cars good to go......the weather is great......and the road is clearly marked. All my ducks are in a row, I have all my tools in my backpack or whatever may show up ahead........trunk is loaded with equipment when things stop working, and I have some added tricks up my sleeve. Sounds like I'm covered ...right? What could possibly go wrong, or what could happen that I wouldn't be prepared for, and after all....I'm me........I have dreams that need to come true.
Sounds pretty good right? What could go wrong? Well...think again, and if you're reading this you're probably saying to yourself right now.........YES....been there done that. You could even go several miles for several days with an "all is well" outlook. Or go several days or months. But, there is still that element that you can't prepare yourself for. And it can be something as minor as a song on the radio......the oldies channel that can send you back into the past as if being first on board in the timewarp machine set to the 70's. You quickly start getting weepy and sad, pondering on that high school romance....your first kiss....the relationship that didn't work out for whatever reason......and before you know it....you've run off into the ditch. Whoops....didn't see that coming.
You find yourself knee deep in regret and wishing more than anything to go back and redo all those things you felt you did wrong. The feelings are deep.....you wonder if he/she is listed in the directory because you have an overwhelming need to call them. The next song comes on, and while you sing along, the engine in the car finally stopped. There you are. On your way to somewhere that only brings sunshine and blue skies, and something grabbed you with such a force, you're not sure if you can get the engine going again. The hours and days go by, with regret, should haves, could haves, pile up in your back seat.
Surely I'm not the only one who can relate to this. Whether it was the music that came on, the memory of your sweetheart, the divorce that almost destroyed your life, the children you watched suffer through a broken home, or the illness that you didn't think you deserved. There was a trigger that pulled you into the ditch, and now you either stay or figure out how to get moving again. Of course that issue really is not that you slipped into the ditch, because we all will slip into the ditch. The issue is, how long we choose to stay there. How important is it to ponder on what was.......in other words.....whats the payoff? What are you getting from regret or the what if's? For me, it was only more pain and suffering on top of what I was already dealing with.
Something had to change.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Becoming Still and Quiet
People receive information in different ways. Some are able to be in the midst of chaos and the light bulb will go off, while others demand a perfectly quiet and still environment. I require the latter. At some point during my journey, I had to ask myself, what needs to happen in order to gain an understanding of what is happening to my body, because even when we choose to ignore the signs or symptoms of illness, we can't do it for long. I believe most of us feel if we ignore them, they'll just go away.....and sometimes that works for a while, but invariably they will show themselves again at some point and time.
When we're young, it's easy to think that we'll stay young and healthy forever, believing that young people who are atheletic don't ever get sick. Always pushing the envelope with our bodies, sometimes putting an enormous amount of stress on our bones and muscles, and if you have a disease thats lerking in your body, it becomes dangerous....meaning somethings got to give. For me, I continued to ignore the symptoms, even though I did seek medical care a couple of times and was told there was nothing wrong with me. The favorite phrase for a doctor to speak to a female patient........"its all in your head" and of course completely trusting the medical profession, I went along with that conclusion.
But of course none of this is about bashing the medical profession, but more about how to be your own advocate and a part of being your own advocate is watching and paying attention to signs and symptoms of disease and illness. Hence my focus of becoming still and quiet to hear what your body is telling you.
Why is it so hard to do? How difficult could it be to stop and listen to the one thing that we are all intimately connected with....our own bodies. Most probably fear....after all....disease and illness are sort of nasty words that we would rather just have roll off our tongues. If we are to be sick, then surely it will come later in the game of life, not something that would pin us down in the prime of our lives. But when the body starts screaming out to you, "somthing is wrong here"......then we need to pay attention.
Unfortunately, getting still and quiet is a choice, not something that is innately ingrained in us from birth. If anything our bodies seem to shout the opposite. Go....go just as fast as you can...in as many directions as you can....experiencing all there is to experience in this life. Work, family, fun, travel, money....etc. Always in excess never taking a moment to realize that there might be consequences to how we live our lives....especially if there's disease lurking in the background. So if getting still and quiet is a choice, what makes us decide to incorporate that into our daily lives? Who is most likely to get quiet and still......type A or type B personalities?
First of all you don't have to be a guru to practice being still and quiet. It's more about calming down your mind, and then your body follows. I used to require seperateness in order to be quiet or pay attention to my body. Now it seems the other way around. I pay attention to my body to realize I need to be still and quiet. In other words, in the beginning I made sure that my surroundings were controlled because the world seemed so overwhelming, but now, even though the world is even more overwhelming, I can be in constant contact with my body, always asking it what it needs. At that point I decide whether I need to step away, or just pay attention and make adjustments.
I suppose there are two ways of thinking about being still and quiet....in your mind and in your body. But which comes first....the chicken or the egg? The mind or the body? For me I have to quiet down the mind, and then the body follows because as my mind is spinning and trying to keep up, pushing my body to unsafe limits, once I talk myself down, then the body follows. To empty the mind so the body follows can be a huge understaking for alot of people because it actually seems as if you are letting go of any control you have over your own life. Letting go is also one of those phrases that is bitter to the taste, though for some it's the sweetest most enjoyable sensation on earth. We all think we have this enormous amount of control over our lives, but at some point you'll find that it's just an illusion.....unfortunately.
So if we want to get still and quiet, how do we quiet down the mind when the mind is filled with what was, what is and what will be?
You wonder, is this what living in the moment is all about?
When we're young, it's easy to think that we'll stay young and healthy forever, believing that young people who are atheletic don't ever get sick. Always pushing the envelope with our bodies, sometimes putting an enormous amount of stress on our bones and muscles, and if you have a disease thats lerking in your body, it becomes dangerous....meaning somethings got to give. For me, I continued to ignore the symptoms, even though I did seek medical care a couple of times and was told there was nothing wrong with me. The favorite phrase for a doctor to speak to a female patient........"its all in your head" and of course completely trusting the medical profession, I went along with that conclusion.
But of course none of this is about bashing the medical profession, but more about how to be your own advocate and a part of being your own advocate is watching and paying attention to signs and symptoms of disease and illness. Hence my focus of becoming still and quiet to hear what your body is telling you.
Why is it so hard to do? How difficult could it be to stop and listen to the one thing that we are all intimately connected with....our own bodies. Most probably fear....after all....disease and illness are sort of nasty words that we would rather just have roll off our tongues. If we are to be sick, then surely it will come later in the game of life, not something that would pin us down in the prime of our lives. But when the body starts screaming out to you, "somthing is wrong here"......then we need to pay attention.
Unfortunately, getting still and quiet is a choice, not something that is innately ingrained in us from birth. If anything our bodies seem to shout the opposite. Go....go just as fast as you can...in as many directions as you can....experiencing all there is to experience in this life. Work, family, fun, travel, money....etc. Always in excess never taking a moment to realize that there might be consequences to how we live our lives....especially if there's disease lurking in the background. So if getting still and quiet is a choice, what makes us decide to incorporate that into our daily lives? Who is most likely to get quiet and still......type A or type B personalities?
First of all you don't have to be a guru to practice being still and quiet. It's more about calming down your mind, and then your body follows. I used to require seperateness in order to be quiet or pay attention to my body. Now it seems the other way around. I pay attention to my body to realize I need to be still and quiet. In other words, in the beginning I made sure that my surroundings were controlled because the world seemed so overwhelming, but now, even though the world is even more overwhelming, I can be in constant contact with my body, always asking it what it needs. At that point I decide whether I need to step away, or just pay attention and make adjustments.
I suppose there are two ways of thinking about being still and quiet....in your mind and in your body. But which comes first....the chicken or the egg? The mind or the body? For me I have to quiet down the mind, and then the body follows because as my mind is spinning and trying to keep up, pushing my body to unsafe limits, once I talk myself down, then the body follows. To empty the mind so the body follows can be a huge understaking for alot of people because it actually seems as if you are letting go of any control you have over your own life. Letting go is also one of those phrases that is bitter to the taste, though for some it's the sweetest most enjoyable sensation on earth. We all think we have this enormous amount of control over our lives, but at some point you'll find that it's just an illusion.....unfortunately.
So if we want to get still and quiet, how do we quiet down the mind when the mind is filled with what was, what is and what will be?
You wonder, is this what living in the moment is all about?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Begin with Awareness
Having been chronically ill for over 20 years, it would seem easy for me to design a carefully laid out plan to help those who suffer from an auto immune disease, hoping they would not go through the pain and heartache that I have in finding ways in which to cope. But as we all know, life is not that easy whether we're sick or well. I can only wish that if I had been more aware of myself, my surroundings and a more understanding view of why people get sick, then the journey I've taken would not have had so many bumps in the road. But as we all know, lessons are learned, the hard way, the simple way, so there's no point in wishing it could have been different or beating myself up about it.......it just is.
It's interesting though how we choose be in this world, again either sick or well, most of the time not even realizing the true meaning of awareness. I do believe I had an advantage in the awareness department early on, even though I wasn't able to put it fully into practice until years later. Again.....this is ok. It's like learning to ride a bike as a child, but the older you get, the more often the bike is hidden behind the gardening tools in the garage because you did not learn along the way how beneficial riding the bike could be. As a child it got us to the soda shop, the park or to our friends house......as an adult, it could mean the difference between being overweight and high blood pressure, to being fit and able to live a normal, healthy lifestyle.
I knew that I was a sensitive type. Petite, short and one likely to suffer if pushed physically.....but still continue to push the envelope with atheletic activities like running, biking, snow skiing and tennis. Not knowing at the time each time I fell or overdid it....I was putting stress on my body. For after all, I was young and wanted to experience life and loved being in shape.....so there was no need to stop. And honestly, I believe a part of that has kept me from being in the worst shape possible even with my physical limitations. I learned early on the eat and rest properly. However, I was not good about being aware of what my body was trying to tell me, neither physically or emotionally. It was all too easy to ignore signs and symptoms at that point. After all, I had a husband and two children to take care of and no time to be sick.
The symptoms showed up when my children were very young, and there was still so much to do in taking care of them.....there was little time to take care of me. And that's ok for I would not trade that time for anything in the world.....sick or well. I was so lucky that my husband had a job that allowed me to be a stay at home mom. None of that I regret. So I decided I would save all my symptoms for a rainy day. One day when the kids were older and left home, where they didn't have to be around a sick mom. But.....I couldn't keep it in as long as I would have liked.
After finally collapsing into a heap, I could no longer hide or ignore my illness. Thats where my journey of awareness began. Thinking that I would have a completely different life than I do now, I had to reinvent myself from the ground up.......which if I had it to do over again......wouldn't have changed a thing. Seems odd I'm sure coming from a person who has been living a not so normal lifestyle......but it shows what a mega dose of awareness can do for those of us who wake up each day to an illness that if we allowed it, would completely consume us.
The journey continues...........
It's interesting though how we choose be in this world, again either sick or well, most of the time not even realizing the true meaning of awareness. I do believe I had an advantage in the awareness department early on, even though I wasn't able to put it fully into practice until years later. Again.....this is ok. It's like learning to ride a bike as a child, but the older you get, the more often the bike is hidden behind the gardening tools in the garage because you did not learn along the way how beneficial riding the bike could be. As a child it got us to the soda shop, the park or to our friends house......as an adult, it could mean the difference between being overweight and high blood pressure, to being fit and able to live a normal, healthy lifestyle.
I knew that I was a sensitive type. Petite, short and one likely to suffer if pushed physically.....but still continue to push the envelope with atheletic activities like running, biking, snow skiing and tennis. Not knowing at the time each time I fell or overdid it....I was putting stress on my body. For after all, I was young and wanted to experience life and loved being in shape.....so there was no need to stop. And honestly, I believe a part of that has kept me from being in the worst shape possible even with my physical limitations. I learned early on the eat and rest properly. However, I was not good about being aware of what my body was trying to tell me, neither physically or emotionally. It was all too easy to ignore signs and symptoms at that point. After all, I had a husband and two children to take care of and no time to be sick.
The symptoms showed up when my children were very young, and there was still so much to do in taking care of them.....there was little time to take care of me. And that's ok for I would not trade that time for anything in the world.....sick or well. I was so lucky that my husband had a job that allowed me to be a stay at home mom. None of that I regret. So I decided I would save all my symptoms for a rainy day. One day when the kids were older and left home, where they didn't have to be around a sick mom. But.....I couldn't keep it in as long as I would have liked.
After finally collapsing into a heap, I could no longer hide or ignore my illness. Thats where my journey of awareness began. Thinking that I would have a completely different life than I do now, I had to reinvent myself from the ground up.......which if I had it to do over again......wouldn't have changed a thing. Seems odd I'm sure coming from a person who has been living a not so normal lifestyle......but it shows what a mega dose of awareness can do for those of us who wake up each day to an illness that if we allowed it, would completely consume us.
The journey continues...........
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