I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in the last year. Just live in the moment Cindy.....live in the moment. Course if someone had told me that 15 years ago, I would have accused them of being on drugs or having overdosed on new age therapy. But when you are suddenly challenged with an illness, you'll try anything.....at least that was the case for me. My few books on the bedside table quickly turned into a massive library of the latest thing in self-awareness, learning to appreciate your surroundings, to meditation and relaxation skills. I even took it a step further and signed up for bio-feedback sessions with a doctor that had just begun his practice in a major teaching hospital. Much later I would enter into hypnotherapy with a reputable practitioner, which probably helped me more than anything.
What was I looking for exactly and how would these things help me get better? Or honestly at the time, how can I find a cure, for all I wanted more than anything was to have it all go away. So my bases were covered. I was going to beat this thing if it killed me, for there was no way in hell I was going to sit back and watch myself wither away to nothing. Surely something would work. I became bombarded by wellwishers, who would cut the latest article out of a magazine in hopes of me incorporating it into my life, ultimately resulting in a cure of some kind.
This was all well and good, but I soon realized that I had to take the bull by the horns and find what worked for me, but understanding that my doctors would have to have their way with me from a medical standpoint. That was a hard road for me to follow, because my body is very sensitive to medications of any kind......which frustrated the doctors I'm afraid. If anyone were to experience the side effects of any drug.......it was me. So my best option was to, in my own time and space, find something else that worked, or at least helped me cope better with my situation. Auto-immune however is a tricky thing, in that you must find a drug that helps to counteract the damage its doing to your body. There are many meds, but again.....most I cannot handle. This is where the awareness training started, and eventually the true meaning of living in the moment comes into play.
I believe that most of us spend our lives in the past, or worried about the future....period. I don't think I can put it any simpler than that. The question is.....why? Why try to go back or ponder what could have been, what should have been, while beating yourself up for decisions or mistakes you think you've made? Or, why would you contemplate what is to come when you have absolutely no control over what happens in the future? You can plan ahead, or think you have a carefully laid out map of what your future should look like, or what you dream it would look like, but unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I can't tell you how many times I have made plans, set things up to move in a certain direction, and find myself in a place I thought I would never be. My illness is a good example of this.
You go down a road, thinking YES. I have my map.....the cars good to go......the weather is great......and the road is clearly marked. All my ducks are in a row, I have all my tools in my backpack or whatever may show up ahead........trunk is loaded with equipment when things stop working, and I have some added tricks up my sleeve. Sounds like I'm covered ...right? What could possibly go wrong, or what could happen that I wouldn't be prepared for, and after all....I'm me........I have dreams that need to come true.
Sounds pretty good right? What could go wrong? Well...think again, and if you're reading this you're probably saying to yourself right now.........YES....been there done that. You could even go several miles for several days with an "all is well" outlook. Or go several days or months. But, there is still that element that you can't prepare yourself for. And it can be something as minor as a song on the radio......the oldies channel that can send you back into the past as if being first on board in the timewarp machine set to the 70's. You quickly start getting weepy and sad, pondering on that high school romance....your first kiss....the relationship that didn't work out for whatever reason......and before you know it....you've run off into the ditch. Whoops....didn't see that coming.
You find yourself knee deep in regret and wishing more than anything to go back and redo all those things you felt you did wrong. The feelings are deep.....you wonder if he/she is listed in the directory because you have an overwhelming need to call them. The next song comes on, and while you sing along, the engine in the car finally stopped. There you are. On your way to somewhere that only brings sunshine and blue skies, and something grabbed you with such a force, you're not sure if you can get the engine going again. The hours and days go by, with regret, should haves, could haves, pile up in your back seat.
Surely I'm not the only one who can relate to this. Whether it was the music that came on, the memory of your sweetheart, the divorce that almost destroyed your life, the children you watched suffer through a broken home, or the illness that you didn't think you deserved. There was a trigger that pulled you into the ditch, and now you either stay or figure out how to get moving again. Of course that issue really is not that you slipped into the ditch, because we all will slip into the ditch. The issue is, how long we choose to stay there. How important is it to ponder on what was.......in other words.....whats the payoff? What are you getting from regret or the what if's? For me, it was only more pain and suffering on top of what I was already dealing with.
Something had to change.
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