What can possibly be gained by embracing physical pain and suffering? If I were answering that question myself, I would first have to look at the alternative. What happens if you can't or choose not to embrace the pain and suffering. To me thats a grim picture.....only because I have been in that picture myself. But more than the actual physical suffering, your mind is messed with, altered, and challenged. You are faced with acknowleding something about yourself that you never thought you would have to acknowledge..... especially when you value your physical abilities as I did. No one ever told me I must be physically strong and fit, it was just a choice....something I wanted to do. So when that strength started to dwindle a little each day, until all my physical activities came to a standstill, there are no other words left to describe the situation other than, "my mind was being messed with."
At the time my life started to fall apart physically, I didn't realize there was an alternative to the feelings of frustration, devestation, anger, self pity, hopelessness.....etc. I layed crumpled in a heap, dazed and confused at that point, how could I feel any differently? Was I suppose to pick myself up, brush myself off and pretend like nothing had happened? Even with wellwishers looking on to offer whatever help was needed, I could see the sadness and pity in their eyes. I either looked like death warmed over, or they were already starting to mourn my impending death. As you can see, it was not a pretty picture, physically or emotionally. So even if someone had come to me at that point and suggested that I embrace the pain, I proabably would have had them shot on sight.
After having been sick for several years, or at least at a point where symptoms could not be ignored any longer, and continuing to push myself physically because doctors couldn't find anything wrong, I proceeded, at age 40, to return to college fulltime. And this was right after a painful divorce. Another one of those things I thought I would never have to go through in this life. So there I was, divorced with two children who still needed alot of care and attention, in school fulltime, and two part time jobs. Sounds like a lethal concoction, right? Well, it was me standing on the side of a cliff, carrying a backpack that weighed 100 lbs. with no safety net below. Yes indeedy, an accident just waiting to happen. But after all, "there is nothing wrong with you Cindy." Right.
So there I was, just trying to do the right thing. Trying to get on with my life, get an education so I could do the thing I felt I was destined to do.........counseling. I was to finish school with a masters, find a home, continue to be a mother, and be able to take care of myself and my children. What a nice picture that is, but how quickly I would discover that it was not to be my picture. For I see now that I was to lead a different kind of life. If I were to really be in a position to help others, it would be in a completely different way than I had planned. I would not be all spruced up in nice clothes, with my own office and name on the door. It would not be with clients who had lots of money or who drove fancy cars and live in fancy houses, nor would I be well recognized and respected in my community for being counselor of the year. I would not hold a record for the fastest mile, I would not be playing tennis with the elite group at the tennis club, or joining friends at the country club for a friday night dance.
Finally, this is where the courage to endure comes into play......but not without years of learning how to embrace the real life that I had in front of me instead of continuing to pine for the one I lost. I was able to graduate from college, by doing my last semester in bed. I didn't get my masters, but learned how to connect with other people who are suffering from a chronic illness, and used the skills I had to help them cope, recognizing they had no money to pay. I studied to be a life coach instead of a psychologist. My apartment was my office, with only the apt number on the door, and the fancy clothes were replaced with my pajama's. My physical activites were replaced with new coping skills such as meditation, relaxation, reading up-lifting and helpful books which taught peace, perseverance and finding purpose in my life in the midst of frustration and loss. If there was an office involved, it turned out to be my therapists office, who I constantly praised and encouraged to fulfill her own dreams while she helped me work through my situation.
There was no need for recognition or praise. For I no longer needed that to continue to do what I was convinced was carefully planned out by God. I wasn't being punished, and I no longer had to find reason's of why I was sick, or defend myself for the sort of life I was leading. Soon I was able to understand the term, "embrace the pain" and actually start to encorporate it into my own life. Some days it's extremely hard to do, but the alternative is that not so pretty picture of me piled in a heap with no hope at all.
