This Day

Two words come to mind.......strive and try. Let's ask Webster. Strive.....to make great efforts to achieve or or obtain something. Try......make an attempt to do something. Now for me......it's seems easier for me to achieve or obtain than it is to do something. Probably because the doing requires a level of physical strength....of pushing to get somewhere....to force a change of some kind. Making an effort to gain or achieve something conjures up the attempts to change or understand something in a different way. In other words shifting my attitude or thought pattern, simply because the one that I have is no longer working for me. Now I don't have to go into detail about what I am attempting to change here......just suffice it to say I feel very fortunate that I have the time to notice something that in fact requires change of mind....change of attitude and I'm willing to or "striving" to change it. Doesn't require me to run around trying or doing anything, in fact I'm tickled some days that I am limited in my ability to do, because it forces me to figure out other ways in which to change.

In other words, if I had a choice....I would rather spend my energy noticing and changing something within myself, than spinning my wheels trying to change something or someone around me. WHEW.......there went another brick off my shoulder. Sometimes I think what will heal my body and mind is simply having these precious moments of revelation, frantically in search of my pen so I can write down what I need to work on for that day. If anyone out there wonders what I do with my days, since I don't get in my car and have a regular job, well hop on board. Are my thoughts profound, ground breaking, mind blowing...etc.......no...probably not. But when you've been put into an arena with others who suffer from chronic pain and are limited physically, then any moments of revelation that could help someone else get through a day of suffering is at least being productive. And if I have learned one thing, it's not about my "stuff"......it's how I can use that stuff to help someone else.

So.....how do I get through "this day"? I ask questions........sometimes one.....sometimes 20. It sort of narrows things down to the bear bones.......past the meat that covers it up........bear bones. Now at 40...I could dance around it......50.....still pretty good at it.......but at 60.......it's time to simply stop and face whatever it is head on. I never know how much time I have left in this world, and honestly would like to leave something behind that might be helpful to someone else. So these questions are about what needs to be done, and how I might go about offering myself each day. And more importantly.....if I in fact want to offer myself.....what needs to be cleaned off my plate in order to do that.

On my plate.......ha.....another good title. Each one of us has a plate with different things from one day to the next. You wake up with them and go to bed with them each day, and you either "try" to make them disappear by getting as busy as possible so you don't have to think about them......or you strive to ask the right questions that will allow you to think about the things you can change within yourself.......therefore presenting yourself to the world the way you would really like to. Of course you have to decide how you want to put yourself out there. Yes.....it's easy for those that have no limitations.....you get up....you get dressed....you eat....you drive to work.....you work all day...you go play....then you go home and start over. You have a job.....you earn this much money....you owe this much money....you get on the merry go round to see how you compare with others.........then the next day begins. All this without really thinking how you presented the real you. Did you simply follow the pack, get into complete work mode without asking one question about how you might like to present yourself that day, or did you take time to change an attitude that you feel in your gut is time for change?

In other words.....are you thinking at all? Are you simply content with who you are as a person and you feel there is no need for growth in any area of your thinking process? Do you ever wonder what someone else is going through, which is often more horrendous than anything you might be experiencing? Do you say anything to build someone up.....or are you more content and comfortable tearing someone down?

OK.....so on "this day" for me.....what can I strive to do differently? I will leave my antenna up all the way so I can be more aware of what is going on around me. I will make eye contact with each person I pass in the store or street and smile, whether they are smiling or not. I will say something uplifting to someone who seems to be hurting in some way either physically or emotionally. I will, if I can, assist someone that needs help. If you simply take the one suggestion about smiling, it explains it all. Do I just complain that no one smiles, or do I strive to change something within myself so that I can offer the thing that might help someone.....just to be noticed in a crowd of people who are too busy to notice anything.

So.....this day.....what will I do?

Stepping Away

Not an easy thing to do for any of us because of jobs, family, obligations......or one of my favorites...guilt. You know the thing about guilt is, unless you express it to someone, you're the only one that carries it. It's like a well kept secret that keeps us from fully living the life we want to lead. Now if you want to, or don't want to do something because of a really good reason, or what you deem to be a really good reason, then thats understandable, but when you step into the area of not deserving something, or constantly comparing yourself to those around you and what they are doing with their life, then you're pretty much spinning your wheels and ultimately get nothing done for yourself or those around you.

I'm a giver....I love to give...love to listen..love to live a slow enough life that I notice people struggling........I love to nurture those around me, but I have to take care of my physical needs before I can do that, as well as doing it in a way that doesn't leave me completely depleted. From the outside it may seem that I don't contribute very much at all, but I've learned lately to let go of the one's that sit in the judges seat. If there's one thing I have come to realize in this life, it's that you don't really and truly know a person until you've walked in their shoes, so until you can do that, try to make an effort to, if anything, give the person the benefit of the doubt and trust they are doing the best they know how. Of course that leads to what is really important.... am I doing the best that I can,  is my intent genuine, and purposefully ask myself that question daily, trying at the same time to release myself from trying so desperately to live up to someone else's standards.

So....with all that being said....when, where, and how do we decide it's time to step away, and more importantly, what does that mean for you? I suppose it has to do with your own personal life and what you experience day to day. Is there physical pain that you need a break from, emotional pain, or simply recognizing that you have in fact gotten caught up in life's pace which in my personal opinion, is completely and utterly out of control. I see people saying yes to things, and it's usually never because they really want to do something, but because if they don't do it, the guilt sets in, or because of someone else's expectations, or that they are trying desperately to cover up something like pain, loss, suffering, loneliness, rejection....etc. Now I completely understand all these reasons, I've experienced them myself at some point, but when the stress of all of the "trying to keep up" starts to affect the body, then that's where I put on the brakes. I also learned that no one is going to walk in my door and suggest I take a break, so if I want to take one, I have to see it as a gift to myself, and if I don't step away in some way, I won't be able to do those things that mean the most to me.

Stepping away is a gift to self......which in turn will benefit those around us. I cannot spend precious moments with my granddaughter Olivia unless I take care of myself...period. And I found out it's not enough to hide away in my apartment resting and saying no to activities, waiting to feel better and stronger. I had to step away from the busyness that surrounds me, and flipping my switch off instead of on. It makes you appreciate what you have when you return, changes your outlook, and more importantly allows your weary body to just stop and rest. I don't think anyone really understands what it does to their body to go non- stop day after day, week after week, month after month. It all seems responsible, and may keep you from thinking too much about the pain or hurt you're experiencing, but will only start to break you down in so many ways physically....and some of those ways once you lose, you can't regain. And besides......the world will not stop revolving, nor will those around you stop functioning if you step away for a few days. And if you can't go away.......stay in your own space, unplug the television, your phone, and put a sign on your door that you're on vacation.

My recent experience in stepping away didn't take my physical pain away.......but allowing myself to go brain dead helped more than I can ever express. I allowed my shoulds, coulds, why's and when's to evaporate. Even with those I love more than anything in the world, I set aside. And you know what.....it's ok. Did I come back to a perfect world with no problems....of course not. But at least I can say I stepped off the merry go round, or from watching my loved ones caught up in the pace, to take care of me so I can better help or take care of them.

So think about it and truly see that the world will not come to an end if you simply step away. As well.....you won't explode or lose your mind if you disconnect. You might have to look at some things about yourself, or allow some painful emotions to rise up......but you know what........that's a GOOD thing. It clears the way for new things to come. It's a healthy thing to do for your physical well being, especially if you're challenged daily with a chronic illness that beats you down on a regular basis.

Good luck......hope it gets you thinking already about what your stepping away will look like!