Inside My Head

Could be an interesting place to be, inside my head. In fact if you've been reading my blogs for the last couple of months you've done just that. I suppose, that in reality, is what most writers are inviting you to do.....crawl inside their head to see how their mind works......in essence what makes them tick. Sometimes you'll see fear, sometimes you'll see peace, and most likely see someone who is just going through the motions in life, finding her own place and way in which to communicate what she's truly thinking. My thoughts and beliefs are not likely to line up with yours, or anyone else's, but I would hope that if it does anything, it motivates you to be more aware. Aware of what you ask?

Honestly aware of everything. I think society as a whole is so caught up in how to get through next week and next month, or what happened in the past, that we completely forget to pay attention to what is going on in our heads right at this moment. I realized at some point and time that when you are stuck in those places, you are in fact taking up space in your head that could or should be filled only with what's happening at this moment. Maybe that's why I like to write so much because I am completely focused on what is inside my head right now.....not on what was or what could be. I'm aware of the noises around me, the feel of the chair I'm sitting in, the temperature of my body, and what I'm thinking about as I write.

Something that I really notice is that my focus is not anywhere close to my illness. It's as if my mind has taken up whatever energy or effort it takes to feel bad....or be in pain......and decided to use it in another way. Maybe I'm the latest thing in a hybrid human.....or I've embarked upon a whole new way of "being green." For honestly, what goes on inside my head 95% of the time is how I can save energy.......my energy. Most of the time I see myself as a gas tank. You fill it with gas.....the gauge says full....but very soon, especially with gas prices where they are right now, the empty sign starts flashing yellow....which means you are about done. Either you get more gas, or you will be forced to pull over and stop.

That light will only flash for so long, so you have to make a decision about what to do next. If you are lacking money, your car is likely to sit for a while. But bottom line, it's not going another block because the gauge reads EMPTY. So honestly, as odd or stressful as that may seem, it really does force me to live in the moment.....always aware of my tank being full or empty. Maybe later on in the day I can get back out there, and maybe not. Kind of hard to plan for anything, which again....keeps you in the moment. You begin to appreciate what is before you instead of behind or ahead of you.

Honestly this is not a game, a riddle or puzzle for people who are sick, the last thing in the world you need to do is add more stress to the equation. If anything, it's to help find a way in which to cope with living in a world just as you are. We cannot worry or fret about how or why we are sick, or if in fact we will ever get well. I can tell you from experience, as much as you think that will help you.......it won't. If anything it makes life that much harder, because no matter how much time you choose to stay in that frame of mind......it will resolve nothing. Plus, those people around you can clearly see that it's your focus, because you develop a victim mentality.......not an appealing place in which friends want to dwell. They know full well of your illness and your limitations, and don't need to hear about it on a daily basis. This is in fact a hard lesson to learn.....but necessary.

There is a huge difference in sharing your medical information with friends and family, and dwelling on the fact that you have what you have, and making a point of inviting them to your pity party. If you need to say no because you realize you cannot do something or be a part of something, then of course.......there is no need to explain except by saying......sorry...I can't do that. There is absolutely no need to explain why you can't do it, if it's clear in your mind why. What conclusions another person will come to is their own decision and right. That's another good reason for being more aware of what is inside your head. It allows you to truly know what your body is up to and not up to on any given day. You can stop the constant guise of doing something because you think it's what the other person needs or wants you do to......rather be fully aware of your limitations for that day and respond accordingly.

This is not rocket science by any means and really has nothing more to do with except understanding awareness....period. You either want to get inside your head, and experience what is going on at this moment, deciding whether you tank is full or empty, or you'll waste time and energy pondering on things from the past that you cannot change, or on those things in the future that you cannot control. So today, I choose to be inside my head, so I can be more clear about what my body is asking me to do.........step out a bit......or slow down. Doesn't mean I have to like what the body's response is, just like I don't like it when the tank says EMPTY and there is no reserve that day. It just simply means that it's ok to pull over for a while and wait till the light turns green.