Contrast

I guess you can tell by now I have this thing about words. I actually sat yesterday asking myself.....what is it about words, and was able to go back to my childhood until something clicked. I can remember taking a book, notebook and pen and making notes about what I was reading. It didn't matter what the book was about, I just had this thing about taking notes. It's as if I was preparing myself for something that I would eventually use during my lifetime, but at the time, I was clueless. In 1994, I began to write again, but this time it was not note taking, it was journaling, and I've been doing it ever since, and have so many now I had to spend a week putting them in chronological order. Why? I have no idea......just thought it might be nice in case someone wanted to see what I was thinking about on Oct 24, 1999......or April 5, 2004. I'm sure it won't be some magnificent revelation.......rather a window into my heart or mind......maybe a few tidbits of wisdom....who knows. I don't know why I started doing it or continue to do it.....I'm just driven to do it.

Honestly I think it's this need to document what I'm thinking about, worrying about, praying about at any given moment. Sometimes I sit and read some of the earlier journals to remember what was going on in my life, and how I was handling it, enjoying it, embracing it, or fearing it. It's all there. My only regret is that I didn't start it at an early age, so that I could see the contrast in what was, to what is. I suppose I should be grateful that at least at an early age I was motivated and driven to at least get into the writing habit.....it didn't matter what I was writing.....just that I was writing. And even in the years when I wasn't writing, I was always thinking about what I could be writing. Everything I experienced I wanted to share in some way so it would be remembered. After all, you can store it in your memories, but unless someone can poke around inside your head, it's sort of kept secret.

Maybe it was my way of helping my children know who I really was. What was important to me, what I was really thinking about, and how I tried to live my life. And why is that important? Again.......clueless. I think all of us are driven to do something, even though we don't quite understand why. Doesn't lose its validity because we don't know, in fact it probably has even more, simply because you have something within you that drives you. It's like we all have a different engine that makes the car move.....and a special key that starts it up each day. My engine is a blank piece of paper....and my key is my pen. I simply cannot start my day without it. Well I can.......but I am driven to do it. Doesn't make any difference what I'm writing about, it's the physicality of opening to a blank page, and waiting for the ink to flow out of the pen. It's as if I have to spill my brain out on the page to understand myself. Or I keep so much stored up or downloaded, I have to clean my plate in order to add a new day of thoughts, revelations, ponderings.......whatever.

I think maybe my life is in constant contrast to the rest of the world. Am I alone in that? Absolutely not. I am a member of a group of people who live a different life and have for a long time. And you might not believe this......but we are actually the gifted, fortunate ones that have been blessed with time. Time to think, time to grow, time to change, time to appreciate, time to be grateful........just time. The only catch is, it will cost you something. Something that most people totally take for granted every single day.......and that is what you believe a normal life to be or look like.  So for me, it's important to notice that contrast, because if I don't, then I've missed the opportunity to pass on something that might be helpful to someone around me.

Each time I walk outside my space, I see contrast, and I think that's how God intended us to live our lives. And this goes back to my thoughts on "otherness". I don't think you can understand what that really means unless you notice the contrast all around you. And maybe that's why I love to write.....whatever I write, or how I write it. Eloquently or not so eloquently.......its not about that. It's just noticing there is a difference between me and the world, and I love to spend the time in contrast. I either spin my wheels to try and fit in.....or I embrace my different-ness...whatever that might be.  This in fact is the essence of "otherness". I can't appreciate or understand a person, or attempt to help them in any way unless I accept how different we ALL are. And when you make the effort to climb inside someone elses shoes....and truly see the contrast.....then you will understand more about them as well as yourself.

Contrast........I love that word.